May 4

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 4: “Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.” ― Marcus Aurelius

I am aware of the nature of my critical mind. It has been on blast for most of my life; telling me what you and you and you should be doing, wearing, saying…how you should live and work and when and why. Then I begin to become angry with you for not being the way I think you should be and doing what I think you should be doing. All of this is a distraction to keep me from focusing on what it is I am up to and what I need to change about myself, my behavior, or my attitude. Oh! The hardest thing about this recovery stuff is for me to focus on myself; to do those things that I know I need to do to become who I want to become. I have never gained an ounce of spiritual benefit from taking YOUR inventory or pointing out those things you are doing or not doing. When I recognize how angry I can get when I am watching what you are doing, I see the beginnings of a resentment forming. I MUST let go of who I want YOU to be so that I can be more ME. This is the freedom we get when we quit running the show and let the Universe be whatever it wants to be, going wherever it wants to go and doing whatever it is supposed to do. I cannot control anything and have good outcomes. It is necessary for me to let go absolutely! Most of the time these days I am able to do this. There are occasions when it is more challenging, because it affects me more directly. I find that this can slip into my life when I am tired, hungry, etc. So I must practice greater self-care to keep from being back in the driver’s seat and trying to run all the shows. The other thing I really need to check myself for is fear. When any kind of fear comes into my life, I am immediately going to try to control things so I can feel safe and in charge. I have recognized this pattern for many years. So when I am overly worried about something, I have to actively work to let go of that worry and the outcome of my fears. I can do this. I can always do this. I am so grateful for the process of writing, meditation and coming to terms with what is going on with me that allows me to not focus on you and what you may be doing to contribute to my fear in any way. It does not matter. I merely call things into existence to avoid looking at the things I am afraid of and how that manifests into me being back in control of shit that isn’t mine to deal with anyway. More often than not, I can honestly say that this takes only a few moments today. It has lived with me for months in the past and for years before I came around here. So this process does get better, as I get better. Recognizing that I am the source of my own discomfort and troubles is so wonderful! Now I can work on being the person I could have sworn it was necessary for YOU to be…this is great stuff!