April 26

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 26: “Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.” ― James E. Faust

A funny thing has happened for me around here. I have developed a deep and powerful connection with my heart center and my gut. These are my personal spiritual compass points. For many, many years (and quite a few of them here), I was confused (at least I thought I was confused) about the messages I was giving myself. I would feel all fluttery and my heart would pound, my palms would get clammy, and my stomach would jump up and down when I was in the presence of some men. I have come to discover that this does NOT mean love at first sight, like I always told myself, or even sexual attraction. It is a danger signal! Wow! That person is dangerous for me. I have a place in my heart where a little girl placed all her dreams and truths many years ago. This is what is yelling at me, “Get away! That is no good for me!” And she would know, she met quite a few dangerous men in her time. Because I misinterpreted that message for so long, I continued patterns of loving and being with men who were emotionally dangerous for me. This was not their fault…I really thought we were attracted to each other. And perhaps we were; for our own and each other’s healing process. I am grateful today that I have begun to understand that these are not bad people, nor am I. We are all on the journey to healing. Along the way, we try to heal each other in ways that are inappropriate and dysfunctional, because that is all we have. I love broken spirits and broken hearts, because I know what that feels like. I am devoted more every day to healing and teaching what I have learned. This is a calling, a way of life for me. I don’t place it on the shelf when I go out into the world and work, nor do I set it aside for the sake of family or business or anything. I carry it in my heart with me wherever I go. A lot of random people in Ventura have received hugs from me because they are always with me too. Every dog I can hug and pet gets one or two or ten, depending on their availability to receive them. Many people who don’t know me get them because I can see and feel their sadness. And the truth has become my greatest ally, because I do not have to hide my heart any longer to protect it. If I am in the presence of someone who raises the “danger” alarm for me, I simply do not engage on levels where I am vulnerable to what that person offers. This happens from time to time. I can tell MYSELF the truth today. That is awesome. If you ask me a point-blank question, I can answer it honestly. But the greatest gift is to tell myself what is going on and not try to make it something else. Step 4 continues to move through my life and discard what is no longer needed. I have left behind many, many delusions and pretenses that no longer serve, along with ego defenses that I thought would protect me from harm. The only harm that can come to me is self-imposed. Someone may kill me, but they cannot hurt my spirit like it once was. I am grateful for this tremendous gift and this amazing life!