April 25

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 25: “To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” ― Criss Jami

Telling the truth can leave us feeling vulnerable and exposed. Letting others in is so challenging when we begin this journey. I had so many ego defenses that I didn’t know much that was true about myself at the beginning, but I sure didn’t want YOU to know things I hadn’t seen yet in myself. This was impossible, because everyone else could see things that I was completely unaware of. I remember one of the men I dated early on telling me I was such an angry woman; and I thought he was so wrong! It took me 10 years to REALLY get in touch with my anger…I was fueled by it for a long time and completely in denial that I was angry at all! So I went all over the map with it and expressed it in many passive-aggressive and inappropriate ways. As I began to let go of looking good and not having to do so much work on emotional regulation around here, it began to become more real. Even though I didn’t like angry people around me, I found that I could more comfortably express my anger and it didn’t put people off like when I didn’t…oh! I found that honest rage is much easier to express and sit with than sideways behavior around trying to cover it up. This all takes time and work to get through. None of us is going to be well in the first 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, etc. years. We are on a continuum, where we get to continue to practice spiritual principles and become who we are here to be. Meanwhile, we have steps to get in touch with those feelings. My experience with situations and circumstances in my life is that they are designed for me to be where I need to be when I need to be there. I was given a comfortable situation and all that I needed to begin to heal my rage. I could not have done it any sooner than I did. We all get here with what we get here with. But we only have the human range of emotions, although we may all feel differently about behaviors we have performed and the circumstances around our lives. I am no longer so angry, but I am comfortable with allowing myself to express frustration, sadness, anger, grief, and all the things I could not express in those early days. To that extent, I get to experience and express joy, silliness, laughter, love and compassion to the same degree. I love this process of uncovering myself and seeing who I am and how I wander this life and this world. It is a journey of amazing wonder and discovery. I hope you get to have as much fun and enjoyment as I do…it is wonderful!