April 22

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 22: “You can’t lie to your soul.” ― Irvine Welsh

Too true. I have always had an inner compass. I choose to try and kill it for many years, but it always told me the truth. When I have not been able to tolerate the truth, it was still there, waiting.

This is why, when I am not sure of what to do, I will get quiet and spend time alone. My answers are in my soul, in my heart. At the center of my being is all the knowing I will ever need.

This is why, when the truth appears, we nod our heads and our hearts do a happy dance and say “AHAH!” There it is, the truth. We KNOW. And that is all that we need to hang on to.

When others work to dissuade us from our knowing, our recovery (or lack of it) will jump into action and we will become less certain or torn in our commitment to our personal truth. If we are really codependent, we will allow them to convince us that our truth is not the truth after all. That is sad. It is not for someone else to know. We KNOW. And yet, we will deny ourselves and then be angry and resentful at THEM. Hahahahaha…this is why Step 4 is so much fun.

We abandon our lives and our souls to other people…family, friends, lovers, whomever. And then get angry at THEM for not knowing our truth and giving it back to us. WHAT??? This is the sickest part of our disease. Our anger and pain at others for them not taking care of us. Never was their job anyway. It is ours.

And when we abandon ourselves to others, they hate us too. No respect for anyone who is that uncertain of their own soul. How can you respect that? We cannot and do not. Sure, we love the power they give us for a minute, but the responsibility for making all their decisions and taking care of their lives is enormous. No one wants to work that hard to keep a relationship that is so one-sided and empty.

If you cannot care for your own life, I don’t have time for that. It ain’t my job. I love my life too much to let you steal my time and energy to care for yours.

Real honesty is that I am not going to allow you to give me YOU. I don’t want that. Never have. I am too busy with ME. I am (truly!) a full-time job. Your life is your job.

Addicts are so used to blaming others and getting others to take care of them that they are like leeches at times when they feel needy. It is uncomfortable and dysfunctional. If that is what you are doing, look around and see where you need to grow up and take your soul back.