DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 18: “It is time to reverse this prejudice against conscious effort and to see the powers we gain through practice and discipline as eminently inspiring and even miraculous.” ― Robert Greene
Addiction is the easier, softer way of life, as I see it. Rather than deal with anything, which actually takes a great deal less time and effort than we know, we escape into drugs and alcohol, food, gambling, shopping, technology, sex, etc.
This makes us lazy and somewhat chicken-shit, in my book. To show up to life is not what our egos tell us it is. It is NOT hard, it is NOT scary, it is NOT difficult or challenging or any of that. It IS different, it IS uncomfortable, it IS unusual, and it IS new.
Oh! Okay. Nothing I have done in these years of recovery has been hard, scary, or anything other than NEW. New stuff feels different, uncomfortable (because I am trying something NEW), and unusual. Because I would always rather (so says the Screaming Purple Monkey) run away. I would rather, so the SPM tells me, let YOU do this for me.
My head screams that I don’t want to face my life. I just want the rewards! I want all the goodies at the tree, just like Christmas. I do NOT want to do the work to earn them or get them for myself. I want God, that Power, or whatever I call it, to bring it to me with a bow on it.
I never saw that I somehow felt uncomfortable with those things that I had not worked to gain. I did not see that my lack of self-esteem and self-worth was entirely because I was stealing your hard-earned resources instead of getting them for myself.
Or, I was doing what I needed to do to get you to supply me with my goodies. And staying loaded to hide this truth from myself.
By doing a daily (yes, daily!) inventory and going through this cleaning-up of my own shit, I begin to feel worthy of the rewards I receive. They are deeply appreciated and precious to me, because I must work around the SPM to get them.
This isn’t hard work, or scary work, or difficult work, or challenging work. But it is work. And I do it. Why? Because I love the feeling of self-worth and self-esteem and gratification I get for a job well done. And really, it is only life I am living. I tell myself that all day.
Because those SPM want to tell me how much WORK it is…geez! Really???? Well, it IS work, but a joy, a blessing, and a gift. So, let’s put the SPM to bed and get on with it!
Dolphin Hug 