DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 17: “Why is discipline important? Discipline teaches us to operate by principle rather than desire. Saying no to our impulses (even the ones that are not inherently sinful) puts us in control of our appetites rather than vice versa. It deposes our lust and permits truth, virtue, and integrity to rule our minds instead.” ― John F. MacArthur Jr.
What is the most interesting about this quote is that I was very afraid of letting go of my “lusts” when I got here. I could see the issues around substance abuse and addiction, but not around my sexual behaviors and attitudes, and many other such things.
So, I will address this quote in full. I REALLY always wanted to be a principled person. It was right and my heart resonated with that. I did not know that I would be saying NO to my impulses, but that began to happen also.
When I had my first “unrelated” impulse, it was to spit on someone who had made me angry. So, I did, and I got my first censure in “new” and “old” behavior. Oh! That was a revelation. Not sure what it had to do with drinking and using, but I was able to be compliant. Okay. Then it was around boinking one of the other clients in the rehab with me. Again, NO! Oh! I was beginning to see that I was not allowed to have any kind of fun around here. Dammit!
Then I got out of rehab and began to boink all the boys I could! A whole new crop of available (I thought) men to party with. No drugs or drinking involved…we always met at meetings and sober events. Okay! I was able to (excuse this term, but it suits!) “sport-fuck” my way into recovery. For about a year and a half.
Then it began to pall on me. I began to feel things and see things that were obscured by behaviors that were lustful. Oh! The truth came out. Now, thank God, and I will repeat it this ALOT, NOONE, including my wonderful sponsor, EVER told me not to engage in any of this behavior. Why? It is NOT in the BB. I have always honored that. And I got to see why it was dangerous for us in early recovery. But I did not need to drink. I just felt badly about what I was doing. And I stopped.
I got to have some truth, virtue and integrity in this area. And so it went. On and on, for the last 31 years. I am not always able to see why I need discipline in some areas. But, I do have a great deal of practice with feeling and the wisdom that comes from feeling when I am up to no good.
The rest of the time, I get to own my truth. Others may have random relationships with numerous people. I am not made that way. Who knew? Certainly not me. Now I do, so I engage only in those things that feel right to me. Okay.
This expands to so many things in my life. Food, money, cars, home, work, service, etc. All of it! Life is big and beautiful. I really need to have discipline to stop being such a greedy piglet at this banquet. There is plenty for all of us. I don’t need to let my ego tell me that I don’t have enough and I need to take it all.
There is enough. I am enough. I am worthy today, because I know my limits, my boundaries, my true needs, my honor, my integrity, and my truth. This is pretty great stuff…thank you, thank you, thank you!
Dolphin Hug 