DISCIPLINE MONTH: DAY 7: “Tough love may be tough to give, but it is a necessity of life and assurance of positive growth.” ― T.F. Hodge
I am tough. I have always been tough on myself, but recovery has taught me quite a bit about my toughness. It has a strong core of love in it.
I see discipline as being a powerful display of love. When we let others do whatever they want in our lives, it shows them our lack of caring and; truly, our laziness.
It takes work to maintain healthy relationships. We have to develop strong muscles in working in any kind of relationship with another. We get to have these as we build consistent behaviors and communicate with another those things that we either want or do not want with them.
In doing these things, we may get tough. When we are in relationships with other addicts, we MUST have some toughness, or they will run away with everything we hold near and dear. Not only will it all be stolen from us, they will NOT respect or like anything about the relationship, including their own behavior.
I am not in this world to be liked, except by myself. If all I do is work to please you, I will kill ME. I am in this world to learn to love myself, and to extend that love to others. For me, this means I must have some self-respect and self-worth before I can do anything for anyone.
That comes from maintaining healthy relationships with ME. When I put anyone or anything ahead of that, I am doomed to be angry and resentful of them. So, my tough love begins with knowing that I am in relationship with ME first. Then I can extend my love to others; and, most importantly, to that Power that I am here to develop a primary relationship with.
This happens, every time I clean my stuff up and like myself just a bit more. When I quit being concerned with what you think of me, I begin to live more fully into my spiritual sense of self.
That means I am going to be tough with me, and tough with you. That is essential to this way of life. I cannot allow you to treat me like shit. It is not okay. And anything less than what we agree to do for and with one another is not acceptable.
Relationships are contracts. If I do not know the terms of our relationship, I have failed to negotiate well with you. All of this is subject to instant and daily (sometimes hourly) negotiation. If either of us is not happy with the relationship, we must sit down right away and renegotiate. This is true in marriage, divorce, parenting, any kind of partnership or friendship. It is certainly true in sponsorship. No matter what the relationship, ongoing refreshing of the contract is going to be necessary.
Most people never get that deeply into relationship negotiations. They are unhappy and resentful, but not willing to do the work that is required. No work, no toughness; and no happiness. See how that is? It is our job(s) to maintain these ongoing relationships with continuous action and it works, it really does!
Dolphin Hug 