FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 15: “I have found both freedom and safety in my madness; the freedom of loneliness and the safety from being understood, for those who understand us enslave something in us.” ― Kahlil Gibran
We are, all of us, mentally ill. We are blessed/cursed with addiction; which absolutely is a mental illness. It gives me freedom to know this, so I don’t believe there is ever something “normal” or even standard about who I am and the way my mind works.
Being mentally ill means that there are things I must do to stabilize my mental state. For me, the practice of spiritual principles, as contained in the 12 steps, is my medicine.
I work to become accountable by working with my beloved sponsor as much as is necessary. When I am troubled or in a tight spot, we talk frequently. I am so grateful for this relationship and our mutual understanding of who we are and from what we truly suffer.
That form of enslavement is okay with me. It means I am connected to her, as I am connected to some of my fellows in recovery. Not everyone I know in meetings has a connection with me. I got over that idea in very early recovery. I don’t hang out with hundreds of recovering people. My tribe is a small group that I love dearly and with whom I share myself and my life freely; and they with me.
But, being mentally ill, I have the kind of madness that I gain freedom with. I am free of stereotypes and judgments handed out by others. I have many friends in this thing who are secretive with their recovery, which is something I am not.
While I will respect anonymity for others, I do not necessarily believe it is a good thing to be secretive about recovery. I can be so anonymous that I fail to carry the message as I should. And I truly LOVE this thing! It is so valuable and important to me!
So, while I love this quote, I am not completely free from you guys. Some of you are deeply into the middle of my life. Others are there by invitation. But, you are all a part of my life, which means I am never truly alone. It has been many, many years since I suffered from loneliness.
And I don’t know if I will ever again be safe from being understood. Some of you can tell by my voice or my face that I am in a certain mood or feeling a certain way. I have become authentic and transparent here. I let you in and now you “get” me. That is not so bad. It was hell before, when I lived only in the madness of trying to be “normal” and it never, ever worked.
So, I am free, but not from everything. The important things remain. And that conversation is good for me today.
Dolphin Hug 