September 11

FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 11: “Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.” ― John F. Kennedy

YES! We strive, as children, to fit in, to blend with each other. We all want to be as cool as the other kids, wearing the same clothes they wear. We identify ourselves, sadly, with other children.

As we begin to develop in healthy ways, which few addicts do; we begin to individuate and become strong in our own right. This doesn’t happen for us. We grow more and more dependent on that comparison we make with our peers, finding our comfort in being (we think) “better” than others, so we can continue to use that ego defense.

I love what happens when we are new here and begin to find those things that have been somewhat acceptable in our lives become uncomfortable, and then downright unacceptable. This includes our behaviors, our attitudes, and our relationships with self and others.

We begin to shift the stories we have told ourselves for all the years we were running and gunning. If we don’t shift those stories, we will get incredibly broken in the promise of realizing what the truth really is. The 12 steps are all about seeing life for what it truly is. The veils of denial we have covered things with begin to lift and we have nowhere to go but into the truth.

This is not as bad as we can make it, if we are willing to own it. The pain we may experience in recovery is not about what is going on. It is in our resistance to the truth of what life has been all about all along. We may believe our own stories about life and those people we have been in relationship with throughout life. This is going to cause us to need to reframe and relearn those things. The stories were made up to protect our ego…usually at a very young age.

Today, we are going to have to grow up. It is a normal part of life and development. So, we must see the truth as it pertains to these relationships in order to stay in recovery. It is a vital part of the growth required for recovery. And Step 9 is a vital process of us letting others off the hook for the stories we have believed for many, many years about them and their role in our dramas.

Most of us are completely unclear about this part of the process. However, Steps 4 and 5 will show us where we have broken relationships and our part in them. Then, we get to see how Ego operates in our lives with others in Steps 6 and 7. If we have let go of those defects and want to let them be removed, we must clean up the messes WE made with others.

This may often entail just letting them off the hook for what we expected of them. I am so blessed to get to work with so many recovering people, because their stories show me my stories. We get to relate and let go of so much crap!

And then we get to re-establish those relationships in healthy ways; setting boundaries, telling the truth, and letting others be who they truly are, not an adjunct of our lives. Not the scape goats for all our broken dreams and plans. And not the perpetrators of horrible misdeeds, but teachers who give us the lessons we are here to receive. It is, as Dr. Paul O. says, “exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”

My job is to let go of trying to swim with the rest of the school of fish. I am a totally different person than the one I believed I was. This is so much fun! I get to be the Kelly I always wanted to be…and she is such a kickass woman! I can’t believe I tried to tame her for so long and make her be someone else. I am grateful for my freedom today…it is wonderful!