FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 7: “He who has overcome his fears will truly be free.” ― Aristotle
We are ego-based (fear) individuals. My book does not say that my ego needs to be listened to, coddled, cuddled, or admired. It tells me it “Must be smashed.” Wow!
So, if the source of my fear is smashed, I should be able to do this thing fairly well and easily, you would think. Big sigh!
Not so much. It seems to have a resilient nature that is astonishing to all of us. When we look at this disease, we are overwhelmed by the enormity of its ability to bounce back from whatever devastation it has landed us in and tell us a story about whose fault it truly is.
There is no experience too horrible for addiction to survive. No feelings of remorse and shame too powerful to shut it up. Our spirits are dead and dying, and addiction is thriving. What a monster! And we still cling to the belief that it isn’t really happening. I am so often horrified at the depth and power of this thing we live with.
And we walk a catwalk in remaining sober. A catwalk is a very narrow walkway, usually high over a rather dangerous place to fall. That is the way I view this thing. While I love and enjoy nearly every day of my life in recovery, the fall is a terrible thing to behold. The longer we are here, the more dangerous and terrifying the fall.
When I was a little girl, I remember my dad talking about his work. He worked in the open-hearth, which is the furnace, in a steel mill. So, he walked over this huge furnace on a narrow catwalk for the years he worked there. A fall was to certain death. I have also worked in a couple of theaters where catwalks are used for access to overhead lighting and to secure staging equipment, etc. They are also dangerous, because of the heights at which they are located.
So, our walk in recovery is fraught with relapse danger, a fall from the catwalk. I see the narrowness of the path, and the danger of falling.
There is a certain amount of respect we must maintain for the grace of the walk, along with the joy and elation we feel when we get to a place of relative safety and rest during this walk. From time to time, we will rest in a safe place (a meeting, sitting with our sponsors and working steps or reading the books, working with a newcomer.) This does not give us immunity, but certainly does allow for a respite from the fear and danger of our path.
And freedom does come, each and every moment during which we are engaged in the process of recovery, rather than the process of relapse. Since the Universe does not allow us to sit still at any time, we are constantly in the process of one or the other. Always.
And fear has no place in recovery. We may have great understanding of how ferocious our disease is, and this may give us a healthy respect for its devious ways. But we MUST always remember that we have a HUGE Power with which to combat it. Because we are powerless and need that Power.
Oh yeah! We get a daily reprieve. Only this day, and I must do what is required to keep this day. I am so grateful for this understanding and this view of who I am and what I am and how blessed I am.
I have seen, firsthand, thousands of times over, what happens if I do not remain in that seat. If I slip and lose my footing on this path, the drop is perilous.
However, my freedom here is full-blown and wonderful. I have what I need to do what I want to do, no matter what. That was never true for me before, and I am going to remain on this catwalk and love the flowers and joy that blooms along the path.
Dolphin Hug 