September 5

FREEDOM MONTH: DAY 5: “We are not going to change the whole world, but we can change ourselves and feel free as birds. We can be serene even in the midst of calamities and, by our serenity, make others more tranquil. Serenity is contagious. If we smile at someone, he or she will smile back. And a smile costs nothing. We should plague everyone with joy. If we are to die in a minute, why not die happily, laughing?” ― Swami Satchidananda

I have become a happy person. I don’t think I owe anything to anyone any longer. I used to believe I was indebted to others, even when it wasn’t true.

I always believed that I was coming from behind, that I had to work twice as hard as everyone else to get even with them. That I had to bring more to the party than others, just to be there amongst them. I do not have these old ideas any longer.

I have not worked to change others. I gave that up over the years, as I got more and more clarity on what my old ideas consisted of. I get to listen to my mother rant and rave every week about how unhappy she is and what others should be doing to meet her needs and gain her approval. I don’t say anything. I just listen. After 10 minutes, I hang up.

I have never wanted what she has. I don’t try to placate or please her. I allow her misery to drop off of me when she wants to paint me with it. In many, many ways, I will not play; and that is a deep disappointment to her. It used to bother me. It has been many years since I cared about her approval or her opinions. I do not love or respect her, either as a person or as a “mother.” I have cut her loose and let her go with a kind and loving heart.

But, that is only one of the relationships I have worked through. There have been hundreds over the years. They have informed me about working to change others. I can only love and accept them. This IS the change I came here to perform.

As I cut loose the ties that bind me to others and ALLOW them to be who and what they are; and clean up my relationships with them, ridding myself of the debts and guilt and shame, I have walked away from many of those relationships and not returned.

This is the kind of freedom I always wanted. I thought I would get it by remaining apart from these people, but today I can see that I don’t need to remain apart. I asked my mother what one thing (SHE ONLY GOT ONE!) I could do to be a better daughter. She told me to call her every week. Okay. I do that. But I put boundaries around what that would look like; 10 minutes only, and we are NOT going to discuss others who are not part of the conversation. No gossip and no open-ended rants. Okay. I do it. I have upheld that part of the amends. And I will continue until she is gone.

I don’t get caught in her drama or get hooked into her self-pity and guilt. It is her dynamic. I have my own path and I stick to that. I don’t share much of my life with her, she does not get it. And I continue to let her off the hook for the past. I continue to tell her she doesn’t owe me anything. When she talks about her will and all that, I just tell her to do what she wants, I don’t want anything. And it is true.

This is the kind of freedom I only hoped to gain when I was new. I don’t have to do anything for anyone, or be anything for anyone. I do what I want, when I want, no strings attached. And I am free to be ME, the best ME I have ever been. It is so amazing! And the joy is everywhere! And I bet I will die laughing!