COURAGE MONTH: DAY 15: “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” ― Mary Anne Radmacher
This is the definition of who I work to be, every day. I don’t always succeed at this thing, but I can honestly say that I never, ever give up.
This is either stubbornness or tenacity, depending on which way the balance shifts in favor of being a defect or an asset.
There were amends that I needed to make that were on my very first list. I knew who these people were, they were (some of them!) big players in the story of my life at that point. People I had lied to, hurt, and abused with my selfishness and self-centeredness. I prayed that I would find the courage to face them sober and clean up my messes with them as best I could.
I put them on the list and let Universal Power handle it from there.
One of them was made 25 years later. Another is still on my list at this time. I have searched and searched for this man (most were men, of course!), to no avail. I believe it is not yet time for that man and I to have the conversation. It may never be time.
At one point, around 10 years into this deal, I began to work as a flight attendant and was going to be based in the city where he lives and works; where we had lived together many years ago. I looked forward to that, because I really wanted to clean up whatever wreckage I could with this man. However, a whole new chapter in my work with that airline came about and I never went there. Not meant to be.
I will, however, keep looking and take every opportunity that comes to find him. I have travelled to that city, actually even spoke in a meeting there; but, no, it is not meant to be.
With today’s technology, it is far easier to find people than it used to be. I have found relatives and others that I had only hoped to reconnect with and some with whom I will always have distant relationships. But I have never given up on these last amends I need to make.
The way some of these have played out is wonderful! There has been great healing in many instances and miraculous outcomes in a couple. What I know is that I do not treat the men in my life like I used to, nor do I treat any other people in my life disrespectfully; no matter what that relationship might be. I am as open and honest with others as they will allow me to be.
Life in recovery is amazing! I get to hold people deep in my heart and love them unconditionally, because I have learned to do that with myself. I don’t love myself less when I have put on a few extra pounds, nor when I have blips in my spiritual connection; not when I fail at a task, or when I retry it over and over and still cannot get it right. I continue to practice tenacity/stubbornness to get it done. I will, eventually, get things the way I believe is right.
I love the quiet little voice that whispers in my ear, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”
Dolphin Hug 