COURAGE MONTH: DAY 5: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ― Brené Brown
I do not believe that anything is hard. I believe that recovery, stepping into a new way of living and thinking and believing; is a dare, a challenge, an opportunity, an invitation; that is different, new, exciting, uncomfortable, stretching, transforming. Many, many things, but not hard.
What makes it “hard” is the attitude that WE don’t need to change. What makes anything “hard” is the amount of resistance we put into the idea that the work is someone else’s to do. When I am lazy and complacent, even getting out of bed is “hard.”
So, when I hear an addict tell me that recovery is “hard” work, I just laugh and say; “Only because you don’t want to do it.” So, while I love this quote, the first sentence puts me off a bit. Many Buddhist scholars, with whom I totally resonate, see things a bit differently than do I. That is not unusual, I have a differing view from many of the people with whom I mostly resonate.
I have gotten used to that. I don’t work to be contrary. I just view things from a different perspective. I want to be completely authentic with myself and others, so I really work to use words in ways that make sense to me.
What I really love about this quote is the next part. That any risk taken to be engaged in full-blown relationship with self and others is the ONLY path we can take. We tried to shut down and run away from the world. That is not our path.
If it were, we would not be given the grace to be free of drugs and alcohol (and SO MANY other addictions!) if we were supposed to be sitting in isolation and pain. SO, here we are! Let’s get on with owning our story and shifting it to make it what it really is.
That is how we begin. We tell our stories and share our pain and our shame in Step 4, then we share that with someone who knows the keys to turn that stuff into gold in Step 5. Now we are seeing the error of our ways in Step 6 and asking for it to be removed in Step 7.
Step 8 is ALL about setting things right in relationships. Why? Because, we MUST do this to be in relationship with self. The relationship we are striving to heal is with US. Why? Because we are the ones who are slowly killing us. Oh!
Our disease will kill us, slowly, a tiny bit at a time, and lie to us about who and what is doing this. We believe our pain is caused by others, so we avoid others, only to discover that our pain is being caused by US. Oh!
So, we must undo the damage to those we have harmed. That is the next step. The Courage we need is to get right with our stories and get right with those who have lived our stories in some fashion. Believing THEY were the problem created opportunities for us to do all kinds of things WE know are wrong; but we can justify it when we see how toxic those relationships are.
I was so ready to stop hating myself and everyone around me. And I have. There are some challenging people in my life since then, but I have learned how to navigate them and see what the challenges are really all about. Life is good, and I am not alone and in pain like I once was.
Dolphin Hug 