COURAGE MONTH: DAY 3: “For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” ― Eric Roth
For me, this quote BEGINS with my recovery. All the stuff I did before was for background reference mostly.
I was not proud of myself or my life when I came here. That, for me, was the appeal of recovery. I wanted to be on the other side of this ledger. I wanted to be proud of who I was and what I did. I had all kinds of arrogance and grandiosity, but no self-worth or feelings of accomplishment and honor.
I am not inordinately proud of myself at this time in life; because I claim little or no credit for what has been done in the time I have been around here.
I am extremely grateful for all of the Courage that I have prayed for and been given since I got here. All of the fine examples (and those not so fine) that impelled me and encouraged me to move forward. We all get to have heroes who show us their path and invite us to follow.
Some of those whose footsteps I have followed into and through this thing have veered from their path. This, too, is a very large part of who I am today. I watched their journey and became aware of my own tendencies to step away from the high road.
Then I am sent back to the right path by the feelings I get that were so much a part of that life BEFORE I got here. When I begin to feel that kind of queasiness and shame and regret and self-pity and remorse, I am headed for the downfall I have seen others have.
I do not want that. I have all the crazies anyone else around here has; but I do NOT want to let them take me where they always go…to another kind of bottom where I am trapped again in addiction and old behaviors.
One of my favorite quotes is about learning to dance different steps when the music starts. Although I remember the old steps, and their familiarity is with me still, I MUST learn new steps. That old behavior feels familiar, but so does shame and remorse.
Just because I can remember both the steps to the music and the familiar way they feel does not mean I should dance them. I pray for the courage to dance a new dance.
And, I must admit, even with all of my doubts about it happening, Courage has been granted. Not enough for another 20 years, but always enough for this day…and this one…and this one. And I have to renew that prayer every day, sometimes every hour.
Not because I wasn’t answered with the first prayer; but because I have forgotten the answer and how the Courage felt.
Dolphin Hug 