July 18

PATIENCE MONTH: DAY 18: “I wait for what comes and experience the joy and delight of the unexpected.” ― Diane L. Dunton

This is the end-game, I think. I am here some days, but quite far from it on others. It is a process for me, so I don’t get too discouraged with my patience and lack of patience.

We are here to work forward from a rough starting place. I love the guideposts and markers along the path. I am glad I can pay attention to them today. That is a great thing, to have some indication of having come farther than I want to give myself credit for most days.

I am currently in a position to report to another person who is working with me quite deeply at this time. I like the accountability of checking in to see where I am in this thing. It keeps me from going off the deep end when I think I am too far away from where I want to be to look at where I come from. Because this person works outside the realm of 12-step recovery, her perspective can be a very good touchstone for me.

I am grateful to have learned about accountability when I was new. I don’t hear that much in the rooms any longer. I miss it. It keeps me right-sized and on track with this stuff. I see less responsibility in the folks coming in. There is so much blame placed on others. My sponsor believes this is an offshoot of the popularity of treatment. I don’t know.

I must practice patience in myself and with myself. I get very excited to have new goals and levels of insight into my past and the way it unfolds more deeply with each step worked and each passing day. I don’t want to get “too” well, though. I have seen what the ego can do to us if we grow too far from the days of desperation and willingness to grow.

I have learned here to allow surprises to come into my life, because they are the only things that come from outside my ego. All of life can be a delightful surprise when I let go of my control and ideas that I know what my life is supposed to look like.

I must allow the Universe to continue to provide to me every single thing that is designed for my optimal growth as a human being (bean) and a warrior on the spiritual path. I don’t want to keep doing what I have done in the past, living in the same thing, day after day. It may have felt safer to me, but the unexpected surprises in my life have been the greatest gifts.

I love this reminder that I stay out of the designing of my life and just get on with the laying down of yesterday, embracing this moment right now and sit with what is until it becomes something that I need to lay down in the moment after that. I will keep picking up what is new and laying it back down, over and over and over. This keeps me busy so I don’t have time to work so hard on trying to figure it all out!