July 9

PATIENCE MONTH: DAY 9: “Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands.” ― Elisabeth Elliot

When I find my understanding of life to be strengthening and deepening, I am so happily surprised! It feels miraculous to me to finally grasp some of these concepts on such a deep and abiding level. The shallowness of my former time becomes a great source of humility.

I did not know that this entire lifetime would be so devoted to spiritual principles. I really believed I would stay abstinent from drugs and alcohol, go to a few meetings, sponsor a few folks, and do my service work. What I did not understand until just recently was how deeply affected I would become in the process by this stuff.

I did not know that even 10 minutes of discomfort would have me running to a pen and paper to get myself straight again by processing through my old ideas! I did not know that this stuff would infiltrate my heart and brain and carry me through life on a spiritual basis. It did not happen for a long time. I did not get here all at once.

I also did not expect to be satisfied with such a small and quiet life. I thought I would be a big deal, and that is not the case. My life and my world are smaller and quieter every day. That is all peaceful and nice. I really love it.

So, I don’t have to travel like I once did. I don’t have to acquire everything I see like I once did. While I can appreciate things, I no longer chase them down and work like a crazy person to consume them or own them. I like peace. I love that I can sit and meditate for long periods without wondering what others are doing or if they are noticing me on fb or somewhere else. I am content and calm about my small part in life.

I can say no to distraction and busy-ness. I can decline invitations to gatherings and parties and not worry about whether or not I am liked because I don’t play. I don’t need to be a part of anything to feel loved and included. I have become what I was afraid of becoming; someone who used to bore me, because there is no razzle-dazzle, no drama, no histrionics, no hysteria, little or no urgency, no sense of high anxiety or overly needy sensitivity. It is amazing!

I did not know that I was patiently, one day at a time, working toward this place. I did not know I would become the person I took drugs to be. I did not know that this whole recovery thing would, over many years, teach me what I came here to learn; and allow me to teach it to others.

My example is small. That is what I really love. How my ego is smashed, again and again… and I actually like it, no love it! Who knew?

I keep doing the footwork, and am much better at getting out of the Universe’s way than I used to be, which means I have fewer answers (and fewer questions!), know a lot less, and have much greater wisdom. These are interesting dynamics of what patience can become.

And it is good; very, very good. And all I want, of course, is more please!