June 30

HUMILITY MONTH: DAY 30: “Humility is perfect quietness of heart. It is to expect nothing, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised. It is to have a blessed home in the Lord, where I can go in and shut the door, and kneel to my Father in secret, and am at peace as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and above is trouble.” ― Andrew Murray

This quote was on a plaque over Dr. Bob’s desk. I read it for the first time in “Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers.” It spoke loudly to me.

It still does. I am not this person, but I strive to be. I want to feel calm when I am not liked or when I am not recognized. I am not there today. Maybe next year when I write about Humility I will be more so. I am not sure.

This is such a slow process for me. I am not sure when character defects spoken of here; pride, anger, and greed will be removed. I am still in possession of most of them.

I know I will be better every day with this if I am diligent about practice of these principles and taking these steps. My heart longs for what my head will NOT allow.

What a great gift it is to know the source of the pain, the source of the trouble I have felt all my life. I really did not know for so long. Today, that is a different story. Today, I am willing to let the Power of the Universe take it all from me and leave me in Peace.

And most of the time, I have that. I have peace, and joy, and love. The things I thought I could never have are here right now. They live with me most of the time.

Yes, it is a slow process. And this prayer reminds me of how far I have to go. But I am not back at the starting point, either. So, I am grateful today for the progress. It matters a great deal less to me today what the world around me thinks of me.

It is much less often that I spend time awake if someone dislikes me or actually hates me. As I wrote that sentence, I am mindful of my sister, who has not spoken to me in over 35 years; who hated me and was convinced I was a monster. She is (reportedly) in an active dying phase at this moment, perhaps already gone. I prayed for her to be at peace when I heard that. She has never had any peace or joy in her life.

I am okay with what she believed about me. It is not my business, nor is it true. But I have learned that truth is a relative thing. We can hold very different truths and not agree. And it can be okay, in fact it is absolutely perfect. However, I used to have to sway you to believe as I did. That is no longer the case. In fact, I can listen to your beliefs and maybe see where they are right for you.

I used to have to make others wrong so I felt okay with my version of right. Not the case any longer. I do not spend time re-writing your script to suit me. You have yours and I have mine. There is no danger, no threat to my life if you and I disagree. How freeing that is!

I wish you all peace today. I am sad to see humility month go, because I have really benefitted from this writing. It heals my heart and informs my day. Peace!