June 27

HUMILITY MONTH: DAY 27: “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” ― Ernest Hemingway

The idea that I am or could ever be superior to anyone is an ugly thought. I have to own that I tried to believe myself superior, because I believed in my inferiority for so long.

I don’t know if I am superior to the ME I was when I was living in active addiction and the insanity of it all. I just know I hated everything about myself and the ugliness I held in my heart for the world around me.

I had a wonderful dog at the end of my addiction. He was a beautiful Old English Sheepdog, who loved me beyond measure. On one of my runs, he got so heartbroken that he ran away and I never saw him again. I had been out and about for 4 days, not an unusual thing for me to do.

I have always been a runner. My addiction allowed me to just take off with whomever had the stuff I was looking for, no matter what it was. I would be gone for days, sometimes weeks; travelling to some pretty cool places, but completely neglecting those parts of my life that were my responsibility to attend to.

One of them was Sebastian, the O.E. Sheepdog. He was beautiful. I hope he found a happier home. I have no idea. He was not the only one who suffered from my taking off and running away from home. I began that pattern when I was 12. I did it for many years, just going wherever I wanted or wherever I could get to.

In the early years, I went out hitchhiking all over the country, into Europe at one point, and India and quite often into Mexico and Canada. I was just going…I didn’t ever want to stop. On a few occasions, I met others who wanted me to stay; sometimes a man I would get involved with, or a group. I joined a few communes, a couple of ashrams and other spiritual centers.

I just could not sit still with ME, which meant I could not sit still with YOU. Not even the beautiful Sebastian could get me to sit still.

This is, I believe, one of the greatest of my character defects. That others would love me and I would run away. I moved a lot, telling myself that my commitments were not real, that I was just a hippie gypsy and that they should expect me to take off anyway. I am not so sure about that any more.

While I loved the travel and meeting new people, I can honestly say that it breaks my heart that I KNOW that the dogs and pets in my life suffered. So, too, did some of the people.

I have been able to amend most of those relationships. The ones that were long term enough for me to know details about the people, in order to find them. Others, not so much. My work in treatment and in service, I hope, help me to clean that behavior up.

In this arena, I have been able to see the shift in myself. I have deep and abiding ties to others. They are not as long-term as some folks, but it is myself that has shifted. I am much better at showing up for others than I once was.

I maintain and keep the commitments I make. I do not assume them just because it makes someone else happy. I have had meaningful and strong relationships around here, along with several dogs and numerous cats. I show up, with food and my time. I am invested in the people with whom I have strong ties.

I can fulfill those commitments I make in the world around me. I do what I say I will do. These steps have become my ruler for how I do these things. The Universal Power that guides my life has shown me when to stick it out and when to walk away.

My heart still breaks for Sebastian. He was the one creature I was able to love at the end. And I let him down. I hope I never forget, for that is a reminder of what my bottom really felt like.