June 20

HUMILITY MONTH: DAY 20: “It is not for me to judge another man’s life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone.” ― Hermann Hesse

Most addicts spend their lives comparing themselves to others so they can feel better about what they are up to and to continue to live in the lie of denial of themselves.

We compete and compare to find our “place” in the world. What we believe around all of that is interesting and completely untrue.

If I believe I am less of this or more of that than another, it keeps me from having to honestly assess MYSELF in no uncertain terms. I will always be less of this or more of that. And what good do those assessments do for me in recovery? No good at all.

I am here to take full and complete ownership of ME. To honestly and completely accept myself, I must first honestly and completely assess myself. This is Step 1 (acceptance) and Step 6 (assessment). The assessment comes from doing Step 4 and Step 5.

Not only must I take inventory of my attitudes and behaviors; but in Step 5, I will get an honest assessment from the person with whom I am taking the step so I can be ready to continue to assess myself in Step 6.

I believe the entire purpose of Step 5 is to assist me in becoming honest. If my inventory is only a shit-list of the people I am resentful toward, I have missed the boat. It must include the “NATURE” of my wrongs.

These, I believe, are my character defects. If we use the 12X12 version of those, most of them are narrowed down to self-centered fear or the 7 deadly sins.

It doesn’t matter if my inventory reveals that I am a thief and a liar. What is the NATURE of these wrongs? I am driven by self-centered fear. I am guilty of having believed my ego when it drives me to do those immediate things that I do to satisfy that fear.

What is underneath that fear? Insecurity, inadequacy, belief that there is not enough for me or that I am not enough? These are truly the NATURE of my wrongs. This is such an important distinction. The BB talks about old ideas, and the old ideas are that I must scratch and claw and fight and lie to take care of my needs.

That leaves any kind of spiritual solution completely out of the equation. Isn’t that the NATURE of all my wrongs? That I continue to run my life and it is full of deceit, dishonesty, mayhem, unsatisfied demands, etc.? YES!

Humility, then, is knowing; deeply accepting, that there is only one thing for me to do…ABANDON MYSELF TO GOD. Okay.

So, I cannot compare myself to you or you or you. I must only see my truths and apply the solution to myself accordingly. Now I am ready to have the rest removed.

It is like having a bag of garbage in your house. It smells bad, really bad. There is nothing of value in the bag. However, being afraid makes us cling to that bag, believing that if we take it out, we will be left with nothing. Fear tells us this story and we listen and believe.

What if I have a lot of clothing that is worn out, doesn’t fit well, that I can no longer wear? Fear tells me to keep it; that I might be able to fit into it later; that I had a good time in it once; oh! So many stories! And so, I keep things I don’t need.

The same applies here. We get ready to stop doing things that don’t work. They are harmful and cause terrible problems in our lives. Why do we resist? Because we are afraid of losing everything. And, the truth my friends, is that we have nothing of value to lose!