May 26

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 26: “Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.” ― Oprah Winfrey

When I was very new, maybe about 2-3 weeks into this thing; I watched a young man take a 16-year cake. What he said has stayed with me much longer than his name, which I forget. What he said, though, was: “Recovery, for me, is following the rules, even when no one is looking.”

Wow! I was so impressed. I was impressed. Obviously, I remembered that all these years. And I have heard some great shit in meetings! But I did not know that, for him, recovery and integrity were the same thing. Now I know.

I must become integral here. Not to show you I am doing the right thing, but to show me that I can. That I am capable of walking a good red road, even when I am not inclined to do that. There is no extrinsic reward that I know of. It is all good stuff that I get on the inside.

I am the wealthiest person I ever met, because I am so incredibly happy with my life, so content with what I do and how I do it. I will never be nominated for sainthood, but I feel good about my days. I feel good about how I spend my hours.

I laugh more than I am angry or hurt. And I know to walk away from those things that do not feed my spirit. I have nothing to give to anyone except my time and presence. That feels like the right thing. There are days that I spend alone and days when there are lots of interaction with others. I am better at my alone days. I am social mostly by necessity.

I love getting to know new people. I want to know what brings others joy. What we can do to enhance each-others’ lives. What do I bring? What do you bring? Today I feel richly blessed by the amazing people I get to walk this road among. Some are unlikely, if you are looking for a logical reason to include them in my acquaintances’ list.

All of them are precious for the teachings they bring to the table. All of our lives are exchanges of energy and experience. I love that most of the time. I welcome the lessons, and the faces. Life is very good like that.

I meditated on a wonderful quote this morning that kept coming to me. “The gift of wisdom comes to you when you have walked enough pathways and found enough dead ends to truly know the forest.” There is no person to cite, just that it is an old Medicine saying.

I feel that. I feel the wisdom that has come through my failures and my successes. I feel the age of my physical body and my time here. The integrity I get through Step 5 is such that I always want to be mindful of being authentic and honorable with my experience, strength and hope. I pray for that road. I pray for that to be my journey for as long as I am here.

Wisdom is bought more with the things I have not been quite so proud of. The minute I feel myself take credit for who I am and where I have been, it seems I am going to fall down and skin my knees in public. It happened to me (literally!) once when I was trying very hard to walk away from what felt like a humiliating experience with my head held high; as if I did not care. Haha! I fell down and skinned my knees and dropped a box of my possessions that went flying all over the place! So much for looking good! A great lesson.

Now I must be more authentic…I can cry and let others know I am sad and hurt and feel rejected. Like it really matters, right? For me, it does. The Universe is going to feed my spirit. What does it matter if I am not integral with myself? I will fall down and skin my knees…it happens less and less often these days.