May 21

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 21: “Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.” ― Miguel Ruiz

Seldom do we know how to listen or how to communicate what we want to say to another human being. We must first know what it is we want from them in order to say it well. And we must learn to listen to their response in order for communication to work.

I work with many individuals and families who do not know how to listen to each other. Their minds are so busy writing the story they have been telling themselves about someone that they cannot hear what that person is saying to them.

Integrity demands that I be congruent and authentic with my words to myself. When I do this, I can be those things with you. However, if you do not know how to hear me, I am not communicating. And I know that there are folks who cannot hear what I am saying.

Their defense mechanisms are too strong. Their stories are too fully invading their minds for them to hear anything that is NOT their story. What I must do then is recognize that I cannot be in relationship with that person. It is not anyone’s fault. There is no way to communicate what is important and vital to me to someone who cannot hear me.

That has taken many years of frustration and anger for me to learn and put into practice. I think I can yell and make myself heard; I may even try tears or emotional pleas; I have tried bribing and begging the other person to hear me. It is not going to happen.

Defense mechanisms are the barrier my ego constructs to keep myself walled into my lonely tower of stone. They prevent me from hearing you. And they prevent you from hearing me. Unless someone is engaged enough in relationship to do the difficult task of learning to listen, they are not going to be available to me or anyone else for relationship.

That is my experience. Then I must walk away and let that go. I don’t need to shame or harm the other, just walk away. There is someone else who is going to be coming into that space. I know this, because it has been my experience over and over again.

You are you and I am who I am. There is nothing wrong with either of us. But if we cannot listen and hear each other, there is no basis for relationship. I get weary of the drama and the ego defenses and the stories. I have worked too hard to rid myself of those things.

So, I can let go and move through another piece of life into the new. This is what the Universe is doing all the time. Sorting and shifting and letting go and moving on, new energy replaces old when it is made available to be shifted. Openings create availability for possibility.

That is the way of the entire Universe. Today I will align myself as integrally as I can with that.