May 19

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 19: “Integrity is congruence between what you know, what you profess, and what you do.” ― Nathaniel Branden

One of my biggest irritations in this life is that others profess to be and be doing things they are not. I have to look at what they teach me. I have come into contact with this in a couple of people recently, and I find it interesting that it occurs as I am writing about this topic.

There are places in my life where I love to break the rules…the one that always comes to mind is on the highways I travel. I love to drive faster than I am supposed to. There are not a lot of other arenas where I am not honest about my intentions and my follow-through.

Therefore, I am puzzled by the recent exposure I am experiencing with those who are NOT integral. Who say they are this or that, but are not. I want to be mindful of the lessons and gain from the experience what is there for me to know. I always want to look deeply into the actions of those with whom I feel conflict in principles and behavior.

As a rule, I move away from those who consistently show me someone I don’t care to spend time with. I do not do this without first examining my part in it, if there is one; and why they are showing me this mirror. Am I also pretending to be something I am not? This is what I have to do, as an integral person. I must look at what is acceptable and/or unacceptable.

When there is a violation of trust, which is what happens when someone says one thing and does another, I am inclined to move from a position of trust with others. Several times, recently, this has happened, and I am walking carefully through these situations to be where I feel best about the outcomes and my place in all of these situations.

I always want to be congruent and spend the time that is left in my life with others who are congruent as well. I know the temptations to explain away those things that are NOT integral about myself and my life. So, I examine carefully these thoughts and ideas.

Aligning myself with those who are learning to be integral is the goal. However, as I walk through the world of recovery, I will see those who are not. How I relate to them is the tricky part in some cases. I am not comfortable with continuing dishonesty of spirit.

Recovery is a journey of navigating what can seem to be “gray” areas. However, I have learned there are no “gray” areas in the Universe. There is truth and there is not-truth. Whatever justification others may use (trust me, I know a few of my own!) for not being truthful is the lack of integrity in their lives. I have learned to trust others just to the extent that they have shown me their integrity.

If you continue to show me your dishonesty, why would I move into that space with you? If you name intentions and never work toward those intentions, how long do I listen to that story before I just quit listening? These are the “moral dilemmas” (my phrase) we all get to address in our lives.

Having been as dishonest with self and others as I have been in my life before recovery, and yes, even after that; I am reluctant to deem others as trustworthy or not. However, I will only trust someone to be who they have shown me they are, not who they say they are. That I learned a long time ago. You are what you do, not what you say. So, that leaves a lot of room for a shift in growth toward a higher goal. I hope we all walk toward that goal.