May 16

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 16: “One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.” ― Shannon L. Alder

Some of my peers in high school were sent, by their families, to the colleges chosen by them. They were enrolled in programs designed to train them for what their parents or grandparents wanted them to and be in the world. These decisions seldom included them, and many of them rebelled against it.

This was the way of the world for many of us in the 1950s and early 1960s. As other world events began to create dissatisfaction with our parents’ way(s) of life, we began to rebel against their wishes in the 1960s.

We rebelled against what was called “the Establishment”, meaning that we were beginning to form our own ideas of who we were and how we wanted to live. Of course, each generation believes itself to be “superior” in thought and thinking to the one before it.

Normal brain development in the teenage years makes most kids difficult to teach or inform. The more independently we begin to live, the more we want to make our own decisions, knowing we are “right” and others (especially parents!) are “wrong.”

This is, after all, the normal process of becoming mature. For those of us with addiction(s), there is a huge hiccup in this development. While we may rebel and fight for independence, we are not at all responsible by this time. Brain development has become retarded by the onset of addiction and all its invasive ways of living.

So, rather than going through the process of individuation that takes place during this time, we become more like large infants, demanding our way and illogically rebelling against everything.

Learning to stand up for ourselves takes some time in recovery. Learning who we are and what we would be best served by is a process that these steps will assist and inform us with.

In watching what became of those of my friends whose parents mapped out their careers, I see that most of them were terribly unhappy with that life and switched to something altogether different in their 30s or 40s. This is not unusual.

When we live our lives to make others happy and it is not authentic to US, we are people pleasers. It may bring peace at the family dinner table, but there is no peace within our hearts. This is quite different than that kind of rebellion that just categorically erases all the information provided by others, no matter how much it may fit our own desires.

Rebellion just for the sake of it, a common practice of the ego, which discards all that it does not create itself; is not a true calling of our souls for what we want in life. It is just throwing everything overboard that is available. We will find ourselves regretting the things we did not take time to look into.

Finding “ourselves” in recovery is a process of “uncovering, discovering, and discarding” as Chuck C. says in A New Pair of Glasses. We must spend some time with our deepest selves and learn who we are and who we are not.

When we have deep unhappiness within our hearts, it is important to sit with that unhappiness and invite it to teach us what it has to say. This is very different than the Screaming Purple Monkeys of the ego, whose refrain is the “chronic malcontentment” spoken of in the BB. Dissatisfaction is a different thing than unhappiness of the soul.

We long for something quite often, not sure of what that is or how to get it. My belief is simply this: If my heart longs for something, I must make room for it. The Universal Power I gave myself over to in Step 3 is going to bring it! The longings of my heart (or dreams) are on their way, in the time of the Universe; which is NOT my timing; and all I need to do is open my heart by getting rid of all that stands in the way of receiving it.