May 15

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 15: “I don’t want everyone to like me; I should think less of myself if some people did.” ― Henry James

There are people I can readily think of who don’t like me. I had this conversation with someone yesterday about people who cannot get this thing.

My BB tells me about this…” constitutionally incapable of being honest with…self.” I cried the first time I read that. I truly believed it was ME this was describing.

Since that time, I have learned to be honest; even when I don’t like something about my thinking or behavior, I am truthful with myself about it. My sponsor and I discuss these things, even though they are not my favorite aspects of myself. Okay, this is all about acceptance of self and self-honesty.

I have known quite a few people who come in and out of this thing over these years. Quite a few of them have either been treatment clients or sponsees. They cannot get this recovery thing, because they refuse to do those things we must do here.

I get that. I will not spend time with them after a certain point, because there is no other way I know of to be free of addiction. They do what they do and cycle around and around here. I understand and I am grateful that my own path is different. And I do not take their calls or talk with them. I let them have the dignity of their chronic relapse into drugs and alcohol.

I will not feed even a moment of my life into addiction. It all goes in one direction and that is recovery. I will not spend 5 seconds listening to the bullshit about what they cannot or will not do. I just walk away. Yes, it is heartbreaking to watch, so I don’t. I understand addiction; maybe because of the work I have done over the years, I have seen too much to give time and attention to it.

So, there are many who actively dislike the person I am. I don’t coddle newcomers. I have a great button I got in the very earliest days of my time here. It says, “Work the Steps or Die, Motherfucker.” I love that button. I loved it then, and I love it today.

Why? Because there is no wiggle room there. Wiggle room, exceptions, excuses, those are the things that kill addicts like me.

I have been known to say to those chronic relapsers that “I don’t want what YOU have, for sure.” This sounds cold and hard, but its’ truth is undeniable.

I don’t sit and wail at the wall of denial. I don’t sit and listen to the stories. I will hug them and they KNOW I love them enough to tell them the unvarnished, naked truth they do not want to hear. I don’t say, “Aw…poor baby.” That is certain death to us.

So, I am totally okay with those around here who are the “loving” ones. I see them all the time. I will love you enough to be honest and hope like hell you someday get there too. It ain’t my job to carry you there or convince you it’s a good thing. It’s my job to carry the message of how I have done this for as long as I have.

It has taken some uncomfortable honesty, ask those who are the courageous folks I have sponsored for long periods of time. I am not easy, but I am honest. I will spend hours with those who are walking the direction I give them to go. It points to “Happy, Joyous and Free.” But it does not often make me the prom queen of recovery. I ain’t here to be popular, I am here to be free of addiction and the bullshit it wants me to believe. And I am, Just for Today.