May 13

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 13: “How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.” ― Marcus Aurelius

This is some of the most challenging work we do in recovery; letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and shutting down the voices of comparison and judgment we are actually trained and programmed to listen to.

I know people who are in their 50s, 60s, and 70s who still look for approval from their family, peers, wives or husbands, employers, whomever! What a horrible way to live, always second-guessing others to see if we are okay (according to them!)

And never, ever reaching that place where we are okay (according to them!)

Today is the anniversary of my marriage to the man I most respected, trusted and loved in this world (so far!) He once told me a story that is so powerful in how we are programmed to believe that we must be thus and so to be respected and admired by family (especially parents!)

When he was 7 or 8, he was in the back seat of the family car and his father stopped for gas. While the family watched, his father got out to check his oil (this was in the old days, when we got full service at a gas station!)

As he got out of the car, this man who was the biggest bully my husband ever knew, looked up to see what the noise was all about and a group of bikers pulled into the gas station. These particular bikers were a club that insisted on taking over the entirety of any business they were involved with. They were known for their fear-inducing ways of behaving.

My husband, as a little boy, watched his mean old father get back into his car and back away from the gas pump with terror in his eyes.

What happened, many years later, was that this was the motorcycle club (MC) that my husband got into when he returned from Vietnam. He KNEW he would finally get his father’s respect!

That story changed over his lifetime, but it tells SO much about how desperate we are for the good and well wishes of people who are impactful in our early lives. Many of us went into college, careers and marriages around approval or in spite of what our families thought of us (or what we believed they thought of us!)

What if we truly could become independent? What if we could truly BE the people we are here to be? What if we were given, and then gave to others, the freedom to do and be and believe whatever it is that is IN US to do and be and believe?

This is the meaning of freedom. It only comes when we can walk away from people pleasing with our spouses, our children, our parents, teachers, ministers, etc. When we no longer need to gain approval, credit, or any other ego satisfaction from life, we are FREE! And we are integral for the first and only time in life!

When we give ourselves permission to live the life that is written in our hearts to live, we become capable of living a spiritual path. Not until then can we find peace with the world, or more importantly, with US.

There is a song I really love, called “Let There be Peace on Earth.” I taught it to my husband and we would sing it to each other when we were in disagreement with one-another. It brought us to the table to negotiate peace in our home, in our relationship, in the world we created and inhabited together. I love that song. And today, I have peace within and without. That is amazing!