May 10

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 10: “I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.” ― Frederick Douglass

There is no way to walk through this world with integrity and NOT incur someone’s ridicule. The world is made up of people who have need for us to meet their needs or agendas, usually at the expense of US. I have learned to allow those folks to drop away from my life if they do not understand the need for me to own my own truth.

There are so many ways we interface with others; at work, on the highways and byways we travel, in the grocery store, as neighbors, in our families (!), in our homes, friendships-both long-term and new. We have children and parents and grandchildren and grandparents, lovers and cousins, bosses and co-workers and subordinates, friends and acquaintances, husbands and wives and ex-husbands and ex-wives, sponsors and sponsees, the list goes on forever.

In all of these relationships, we are constantly juggling our time and resources and availability. Life is full and rich for everyone, not just those few whose egos overload their schedules with “busy-ness.”

If someone continues the story line of busy-ness with me for too long, I cut them loose. We all choose what is in our lives and how we respond to it. All of us are responsible for recovery, meetings, work, home, relationships, family, hobbies, whatever we choose to bring into our lives. Some people are not able to respond to life in ways that allow them to be available to us when we have time for them. That just tells me I am not on the list of high priorities. No offense, but that is okay with me. If that is a consistent situation with that person, I will just step away.

Making myself unavailable just means I am opening space up for the new people who are coming into my life. I have been in relationships with others where I felt like I was being swallowed up in a needy friend or family member. I am a generous friend, but when it feels like I am being taken advantage of, I need to step back.

We all need to maintain boundaries in our lives that give us the full balance of what we choose to be and do and have. If something or someone does not reciprocate with time and resources, I am going to step away for something that does.

These lessons are hard for those of us who are people-pleasers. We exhaust ourselves in the ways we do for others those things that they believe we “owe” them or that they “need” us to do for them. This is not healthy for either party. We become resentful and they become enabled. Oh!

There are those who are more inclined to need us more than we need them. They are easier to step away from, because they drain us emotionally, spiritually, mentally and sometimes physically. In taking our step away, we are giving them a gift they probably don’t like. But it remains a gift. If we can honestly tell them why we are stepping away, sometimes they hear us and take heed. If not, we have honored our own truth and walked away.

These are important (vitally!) steps for us to navigate. Integrity is on the other side of me knowing what I am and am not willing to do for others, where I am willing to go, what I am willing to invite into my life. The last 3 or 4 years have been a tremendous paring-down of people with whom I am willing to interface. What happens then is that I am given new people with whom to interface.

The shift is important. It keeps me alive and vital and interested and interesting. Like I said a few days ago, I don’t need 5000 friends with whom I am acquainted only mildly. I need a handful who will go to the wall with and for me. The rest are just there.