May 8

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 8: “Integrity is not a conditional word. It doesn’t blow in the wind or change with the weather. It is your inner image of yourself, and if you look in there and see a man who won’t cheat, then you know he never will. Integrity is not a search for the rewards of integrity. Maybe all you ever get for it is the largest kick in the ass the world can provide. It is not supposed to be a productive asset.” ― John D. MacDonald

Even on those days when I am sick or my schedule gets all wonky, I do certain things I have committed to doing. This writing was one of those until last month. I determined that I did not want to do this unless I could express myself well. I let go of the “commitment” with myself after 3 years.

That was a strange transition. While I will do it at probably 98%, I am not beating myself up when I don’t for any reason that makes sense to me.

No one is holding me accountable, as far as I know. Many of those who occasionally read this don’t even notice when it doesn’t come on a particular day. I am okay with all of that. The commitment I made to do it was with myself. The revised version of my commitment is with myself. I can be totally responsible to no one other than me and be a very successful and productive person. I really love that!

I always wanted to be that kind of person who had integrity under any and all circumstances. The first way this materialized was with not using drugs or drinking. Then with not stealing, not hurting other living things, with keeping my garden completely organic, things no one else really knew about for the most part.

These are the actions that build self-respect, self-worth and self-esteem. If I know I am a closet liar and thief, then I am lacking in those areas. It really does not matter if the world around me supports these things or not. I have long since recognized how integrity works for me.

I have been actively disliked and criticized by others around this thing. I am also okay with that. It does not touch the core of my being. I have been deeply respected and admired by others, and that does not influence my view of myself. In fact, the latter is sometimes more dangerous than the former, if you have an ego as large as mine!

I am happy being a small person, living in a small way, making small waves on the world I inhabit. I don’t need to do anything more. This is so wonderful! I don’t need to lead a parade or the world, just my little corner of where I am. I have truly become right-sized. It is comfortable and good.

I can do some amazing things, but I know they are not mine to claim. I sit down and feel the energy of what it is that works through me and we are ON! I love that! I have a Creator who works through and with me when I am lined-up the way I need to be. This is when I speak and teach, when I work in the field in which I work, when I sponsor others, and when I create gardens or this writing or anything else that is in my path to be created.

The ideas, the insight, the “aha moments”, all come from outside of me from a source I do not understand or see, but can certainly recognize as other. That is powerful and lovely. All I have to do, as we all have to do, is get rid of everything in my life that is not that Power.

When I rid myself of all that thinking, believing, holding on to, behaving like, the Power comes to work in and through me, in all areas of my life. And I can only do what is good and right for me. Anything else is uncomfortable and lets me know, often right away, that I am going in the direction of self. Oh! And I turn it around and sit still and see where I need to go next.

It is a miraculous thing that happens, this recovery, this deepening of Power that lives within me and steers and guides me. Today it is the Power that I always hoped for in those early years. It is real and vital and present and I love it!