May 2

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 2: “When people cheat in any arena, they diminish themselves-they threaten their own self-esteem and their relationships with others by undermining the trust they have in their ability to succeed and in their ability to be true.” ― Cheryl Hughes

What I know about myself, my life, my journey, my path at this moment is my journey. It may change in 5 seconds or in 5 months, but right now, this is how I see it to be. What I do with what I see determines whether I am living in-line with myself. That is integrity.

When I live outside of who I want most to be, I am not integral. If I have a bookshelf, let’s say for an example; that is not integral, it means that the bookshelf does not stand up straight and is wobbly or out of balance with itself. It must be bolstered or shored up to NOT tip over. That is the way it is with integrity.

If I do not stand straight within my values, or if I allow them to be compromised by someone’s voice or need, I am not integral. Then, what happens to me is that I begin to tip over emotionally, mentally, sometimes physically; but very much so on the spiritual aspect of my life.

What does that look like? I had not cheated on anything yesterday, but I was not integral. I made a commitment to do something; something I actually enjoy doing. But I had another idea about it when it came time to do the commitment. I began to view it as a pesky bit of business I had to attend to. I got the worst attitude going on in my crazy brain…total fodder for the Screaming Purple Monkeys! It was quite awful.

As a result, I was cranky and whiney; and I knew it, and I could not stop. UGH!!! I felt put out and unappreciated, really quite the little bitchy princess. UGH!!! And the longer it went on, the worse I felt and behaved. I was terrible! I hated ME, a lot. Like I was supposed to be thrown a f——-ng parade for doing what I said I was going to do. We all go there, I know.

And I could NOT stop myself… it was like being in a car, going over the cliff, and I had no damned brakes! I left the situation and drove home…more and more cranky and pissy. No traffic on the way home and I drive along the beach…not so bad, right?

Well, I finally arrived home and sat in my car and meditated for about 10 minutes. When I opened my eyes, I looked in my rearview mirror at myself and said, “Listen you little, snotty bitch. I am done with you. You stay in the car and Kelly, who is a far more spiritual being than you today can get out. If I find you coming with me, I am going to lock you in the trunk.”

It made me laugh at myself and that did the trick! I got out of my car and did some writing and got on with my day and my friend came over and we played and laughed and had some fun. I will take some treats with me next time I go to that place where I was such a crappy person yesterday.

See, what happens for me is this: I begin to believe some silly idea that the monkeys throw out, always crap…or a banana peel, what else do monkeys have to throw? Then I get resentful and nasty. That happened yesterday. And there was NO way to appease a rotten attitude. It made the tasks I had to complete unenjoyable. My choice. All of this is MY CHOICE!

I get my poor, little me shit going on, and I cannot stop it. So, I have learned to kill Cinderella and get myself back into gratitude and loving my life. But I am afraid it is still there, the crazy ideas, the Screaming Purple Monkeys, and I make myself and others uncomfortable when I do it. Damn! So, I did cheat yesterday, I cheated ME and THEM out of enjoying each other and having fun by being a whiney bitch.

Today is different, that is all I can say. I have admitted my wrongs to myself, to God, and to another human being (if any are reading this!) the exact nature of my wrongs. This is how it works! I And I have these tools to clean it all up; and I have, and I will and I DO! Peace comes home again…