May 1

INTEGRITY MONTH: DAY 1: “However many holy words you read, However many you speak, What good will they do you If you do not act on upon them?” – Buddha

The best part of all 12 Steps, at least where I sit today, is the Integrity of becoming congruent with who I am, what I say and what I do.

The challenge is not what I know or say; it is in being in-line with what I know to be right. I knew, even in the depths of the depraved lifestyle I had before recovery, what was right and wrong. It did not stem from the Catholic indoctrination, nor the things I read, or the crap I learned in school or at home or from other people. I knew, in my heart, in my gut, what was right or wrong…for me.

I did not live according to the rules written in my heart by my Creator. And the most devastating thing about my life at the time I got here was that I had broken MY heart. Not that I broke the rules of social engagement or the society where I lived. That was not what created the shame and pain I lived with. It was that my heart was broken by who I was and what I did and how far away it was from where I wanted to live. I did not know how to get there from where I was.

I did not immediately see the Steps of the program as being the key to finding my way back to my sacred path. I believed, deep in my heart, that I was doomed to be in that pain and that ashamed until I was successful in killing myself or being killed.

Learning to live according to the rules written in my heart has been an amazing journey. There are so many roadblocks, all created by my ego! The years of living as a screaming codependent, people-pleaser, the conning and manipulating and beliefs of being so inferior/superior to everyone around me. The total loss of self-identity and any type of worth. All of these are created by ME against ME.

That just sucks! But the steps teach me how to integrate my beliefs, my mores, what was given me to guide me on this journey, into what I do each day.

I have always had a long list of goals and things “to do” in front of me. I am an A type personality, with a desire to live it ALL out. Today I am okay with a lot more free-flowing and easy-does-it kind of life. I am not attached to outcomes…they really are not in my control anyway. I am not attached to what others do, because I never had that control anyway. These new ways of being bring peace for me and in me.

I spend less time with what I want from people and more time giving myself what is in front of me, which is most often more than adequate. I tell people who ask how I am that I am just that, adequate. I spent so many years proving to you and you and you that I was more than adequate to make up for not believing I could ever BE adequate that I am thrilled to be that.

I don’t have to please you or do what you need me to do or be. I get to be detached from all of that. It is okay with me if you are not happy with what I do or say or who I am. That is your journey through this process. I got mine. (Smile.)

What a great thing these steps have given me. ME! And when I see the results of all those inventories and all those times I opened up to others to share the pure garbage of what I believed; I am so happy to know it does not live with me anymore! I don’t know when it all left, but I have NEVER missed it! Hooray!

Instead, I can live peacefully and quietly with me and let you do the same. If you ask me how, it is all about these steps. They create the dance I hope I do until the end of my time…cha, cha, cha!