HONESTY MONTH: DAY 29: “Never esteem anything as an advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.” ― Marcus Aurelius
In other words, “Don’t sell yourself too cheaply.” We all have times of fear. As addicts, we can learn to look at our fear and work through it to do the right thing. That is how we develop the thing called Integrity.
First, however, we must learn to be honest with ourselves. Fear sets in and we react. Learning to sit with the fear and work through it is what recovery is all about. If we are still living behind the fear, we are not doing this work.
The reason we write out our fears in this inventory process is so we can begin to see the impact (ALL NEGATIVE!!) that living into our fear and believing it is having on our lives. All fear is created by the ego (SPM!) that tells us we are the only one having these experiences, the only one feeling this way, the only one who understands the REALITY of the fear…and so on, ad infinitum.
To listen to that fear is important. BE AWARE of it! Why? Because it is a lie. When you can see the lie, know the lie and walk away from the lie, you are beginning to recover.
Letting the fear run your life is the path we are here to recover FROM. Again, it is NOT about drinking and drugging! It is about learning to live and thrive in the world where your head tells you there is danger all around!
Believing the ego and its message of fear and drama is NOT recovery. No part of it is. We must learn to recognize that insanity and be willing to allow the Universe to restore us to a state of sanity that most of us never knew prior to the abuse of drugs and alcohol.
I never had the kind of peace and sanity in my life I have today. It transcends all previous experience. I did NOT believe I could be restored to this state, because I had never had it. I truly believed, when listening to my ego, that my case was WAY worse than others’.
That, in and of itself, is the insanity I am here to be restored from. And learning to listen to the crazy in my head and behave AS IF the Universe loved me and wanted only the best for me is what allows me to go out into the world and dare to LIVE!!! Hooray!!
Fear tells us to take the same shortcuts we did when we were loaded. “Don’t go here, it is dangerous… bad things are going to happen.” “You will never succeed, so just stay home and play on your cell phone. It is safe and people on FB are your real friends.” “Don’t go to that new meeting, group, party…they don’t really want you there anyway.” “You will never be able to do that.” “You will have to steal to pay your bills this month.”
By trusting that there was a friendly something out there and working through the fear and trauma (drama!) that kept me locked up in myself, I have sprouted great big wings and SOAR through my life today! I jump off of big cliffs and DARE to live the most amazing, wonderful life ever!
I had the same fear, the same (and my head tells me the worst) traumatic life as any other addict. I could easily say that I could never leave the house, based on the shit my crazy head told me.
The 4th Step has required me to write out these ideas, learn what the hell kinds of lies I am listening to; and recover! Get over it and get on with it! I have no time for being stuck in old shit and saying I am recovering. This is the magic ticket to move on and go out and LIVE! I once told my sponsor that I thought it was an act of criminality to not live the life I was handed (AGAIN!) when I got to the rooms. I still believe that.
If I am doing things out of fear, hanging on to old ideas and behaviors, I am NOT recovering. I am recycling my same old shit, over and over. This really is the step of pure FREEDOM!
Dolphin Hug 