April 26

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 26: “The truth isn’t always beauty, but the hunger for it is.” ― Nadine Gordimer

This is a new quote for me. It really made me smile. What a lovely sentiment to hold in mind today. I want to be in search of and in love with truth.

It used to frighten me, that others would see the web and cocoon of lies I had created to nestle me in safety…or so I believed. And reading Step 4 in those early days filled me with terror! I remember sitting with one of the counselors where I was residing in a recovery program and telling her about my belief that I had a few extra personalities to contend with.

We were talking about fear; and this was my biggest one. That people would find out how batshit crazy I was and lock me up for eternity. When I told her about the one personality I had so carefully developed to explain my drinking behaviors, she burst out laughing! What? I was terrified of talking about this stuff and she is laughing at me?

Wow! That was interesting. Then she proceeded to talk about her own drinking behavior and the whole world of blackouts. I had no idea! Wow! Isn’t it funny how, when we allow some of the light into a dark and scary place, we find out it isn’t that at all? (dark and scary, I mean…) The boogeymen are always of our own creation.

So…I began to talk more about my life with others in recovery. That was a big moment. Another was when I had about 45 or 50 days under my belt, (well on my way, right?) and heard a woman speaking in a meeting. Her story was not like mine, but she talked about SHAME. Oh, hell yes! I had a name for what I felt and believed about myself for an eternity! Another “A-hah!” moment.

Now I could honestly describe those feelings I had about myself and my life. Yay! My first attempts at identifying feelings were “Okay”, “Shitty”, and “Fucked.” None of those are feelings. Now I had the right language. Then I learned about Anger and Rage…they came a bit later, because I could not get very honest about that for a while.

But the door had been opened. And no one hated me for the feelings or the truth about what had been going on for me. My greatest secrets began to come out. And then I began to write even more in that Inventory. Oh boy! It was really hard to identify resentments at first. I could not be honest enough to claim them.

I would state, quite emphatically, that I was “not angry or upset” with anyone, just me. Haha! And I was irate with the whole world, such a victim. It took a bit for me to get real with that. Because I was so intent on beating myself up that I could not look at the part others had played…. OR I only saw their mean treatment of me. It swung back and forth for a few years.

And the inventories went on. I am so grateful for the woman who told me that it would be 5-6 years before I got to the truth on a real basis. And then another one at 7 or 8, and so on. Today I am working through some deep truth. But I have NEVER stopped working. And then it works me. Such a great freedom!

And the truth is not always beauty, but it beats the shit out of what dishonesty is. I have not yet met a truth that doesn’t hold WAY more beauty than the shit made up in my fine and highly intelligent, well-educated monkey cage!