April 25

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 25: “Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I know there is no possibility of ever loving myself when I am living with lies in my life. And not loving or accepting Me means I cannot possibly ever love or accept You.

That is the pit of sadness and loneliness that lived within me for so many years before I got here. Finding myself worthy of love (from myself first!) took some time. We don’t get there right away, at least not in my experience.

That is why oldtimers used to tell us newer members, “We will love you till you learn to love yourself.” It is ONLY in the action of taking these steps and applying spiritual principles in ALL our affairs that this can take place. Nothing short of that will do it.

If we are doing these things half-assed, as is the wont of addicts; to do the minimum amount and demand the maximum benefit; we are going to get half-assed honesty with ourselves and others. Then wonder why it “doesn’t work.” I have heard that shit so many times it hurts!

100% of the work we do here is how much we will benefit from the steps. It ain’t about sitting in meetings talking about them, or reading them, or contemplating or thinking about them. It is the action of taking them, and then applying the information we receive to our attitudes and behavior. This is a lot of work!

And no changes equal no progress. Time means nothing, unless it is accompanied by radical change in attitudes and ways of behaving. It is great to sit and write for hours on an inventory. If you have the same shit coming up, day after day, year after year, without making radical changes in thinking and behavior, you are nowhere nearer recovery than you were when you put down the drugs and alcohol. This is the deal!

It is a 12-step program of change for people whose only indication of trouble is in every area of their lives. And drinking/drugging is just a tiny tip of the trouble!

If you lack self-respect and honorable behavior, you need to revisit those areas of your life where you have been less than rigorous. We set about a rigorous course of action. We never, ever finish. That is not possible.

Step Four will give us some great information, if we are thorough. Frankly, I don’t know if I have ever done this without a bit of fear… fear of going back to my old ways. So, I don’t know if fearlessness is necessary. I seldom have that when I am getting ready to do another inventory. In fact, that self-centered fear spoken about in the 12X12 is quite a great motivator for me.

It forces me to address what I am thinking and believing when the fear kicks in. Usually that there is something “I” am supposed to do to fix my life…. Hahahahaha!

So, already, right there I am lying to myself. Shit! Then I have to begin the process of self-examination and thoroughly work through the process of getting truthful. “I” cannot do a f____ing thing to fix any part of my life. Back to the turning it over.

Again and again and again and again. “I” am not now, nor ever will be, in charge. That is a good thing! I love this step!