April 22

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 22: “Nothing is more intolerable than to have admit to yourself your own errors.” ― Ludwig van Beethoven

I agreed with this statement for the first years of recovery. It was still all about YOU and what YOU were doing to me. Never about how I viewed the world through this lens of self-centered crap my crazy brain had going on.

So, it has been a long journey to this place of empowerment with truth. I love that it has shifted. I can still react internally like a victim, but I don’t live there anymore. This is great stuff!

And it came from those (sometimes) fearless moral inventories. So many of them. I can let go of drama and trauma and heal and be free as I walk through this world.

I hear stories from other addicts about this or that event that destroyed their lives. We all have them. I know what mine were. Turning points; places where the life I was living shifted into another direction; I never knew that until I went deeply into this step.

I love, love, love, the leveling of ego that happens here. I love it because I don’t need to hold on to those damned stories. I recently heard one that is crippling the teller in some ways that are really sad. But not because of what happened.

Those are the stories we tell to keep from having to heal. I had so many. I am working through some of the last of a big one. And I AM WORKING THROUGH IT. Not talking about it…that is not healing OR working.

But writing volumes each day, receiving the gifts of insight and wisdom that come from healing, not just retelling the same old story and being a victim forever. That sucks! That is what I drank and used drugs around.

There was no way for me to heal inside that paradigm. I only went on and on and on. As long as I believe the events are more powerful than me, I am doomed to live in that cycle of victimization and fear. Ugh! It is horrible.

So, my ego gets levelled. This means that I am not operating from my mind, but my heart. That is where all the healing happens. My brain has nothing but a bullshit story to tell about “poor little me” …and it is going to kill everything good and fine in my life until I learn to move on.

I am so grateful for all the healing. I am so grateful for not living in that shit any more. Things happen in my life all the time, but they are just a big part of life. We all have good days and tough days and good events and sad events, gains and losses. How we navigate those things tells the story of whether or not we are here, recovering, or whether we are sitting on the sidelines waiting for something to “fix” it for us. That is the victim stance. Waiting for life to change and to feel better.

Thank you, but NO thanks! I have made HUGE errors, but they have ALL been amazing learning and growth experiences for me. And I have these wonderful tools for cleaning up the messes I make. And when things happen that FEEL like I am being victimized, I get to reframe those stories and get on the side of the healing and miracles I get when I truly apply these principles to my life.

My story is about changing my story. There was SO much trauma and drama; now it is Experience, Strength and Hope…Yay!!!