April 20

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 20: “The only way to speak the truth is to speak lovingly.” – Henry David Thoreau

Some people think I am too abrupt or curt when I talk. I speak the truth in ways that they are not comfortable with. I do not believe there is anything other than kindness involved in speaking the truth. What our culture may believe around that is somewhat different.

As I wrote about last week, we are programmed to lie to others in the name of “being nice.” I don’t find it nice to be lied to about anything.

I do believe, however, that the only truth I need to worry myself about is with myself. If I am working with other addicts, I will also worry myself about the truth as it pertains to their recovery or lack thereof. That is, to me, the greatest kindness I can give them.

Does it make it easy to hear? Most often, the answer is NO. We are not fond of hearing the truth, as it pertains to what our little addict minds are saying to us. If we could, we would like to live in the world of denial that we got here with.

That does not foster anyone’s recovery, mine or yours. If you ask me to sponsor you, you will have the understanding that I see it as my job to break through your denial and ego defenses. That is not always fun for me, either.

However, that is the responsibility I see I have taken on. It does me no great good to do this. I do not benefit from bashing your ego. I only benefit from the bashing of MY ego. So, you are not here to do me that service. That is the job of my sponsor.

I sometimes have a sponsee tell me something that I might later take to my sponsor. That has happened in meetings and other settings as well. I hear what others say and am willing to own it if it is pertinent. I do not have that kind of ego; haven’t for a very long time.

As the saying goes, “…out of the mouths of babes.” I have heard wonderful things from new members. That is why I have learned to be present and mindful in meetings. It is going to serve me to know that every member has insight and wisdom we can all learn from.

I do know, however, that I am not in the habit of asking for advice from those who most want to give it. I had this experience this morning. Someone really wanted to tell me what she thought about how I should do service in the meeting. Oddly, I had called her to say I needed to let go of the commitment I had taken on; because I was unable to be a regular member of that meeting. (???) Okay.

I just let her know I had a sponsor and had learned many years ago how to be of service. Don’t ask, don’t tell. If I ASK for an opinion, I will listen. If I don’t, I will let you know that yours is not of deep value to me. It was an awesome moment. That is always an interesting exchange.

Addicts love to voice their opinions about anything and everything to anyone and everyone who will listen. I don’t have to listen.

What a great way to live! I can be free of pushy others who want to impose their opinions on my world. Recovery has given me this gift. If I don’t want to listen to MY head, why would I want to listen to yours? I can free up my day for matters that are otherwise more interesting to me.

Life is good and recovery is awesome. I prefer to take the inventories that serve my recovery, thank you very much. Please do the same; you will find greater benefit there.