April 17

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 17: “Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.” -Albert Einstein

We are not conditioned or trained, in this culture, to tell the truth. We are raised and programmed to please others. This is not conducive to our happiness or success in being honest.

The reality of who we are and what we believe is based on what is popular or what is thought to be “cool” most of the time. Those who walk outside the parameters of this dynamic are scorned, sometimes publicly humiliated.

Most of us have rebelled, to some extent, against the standard or the norm at some time in our lives. We want to break free of others’ expectations of us to do something that is outside their view of who we are. That is challenging, because we are so strongly influenced to behave in predictable and set ways that our rebellions are seen as troublesome.

Many of us have conformed to what others want from us, based on getting a certain amount of money and “security” in life. This is a horrible trap to walk away from. Some of us will suffer grave amounts of emotional (even physical) abuse; because we believe that we are not going to survive if we leave. This is a huge cultural phenomenon, especially in a culture that prides itself on its “freedom.”

Learning to own our truth, no matter what that may look like, is a long process. I am not always happy with what I learn about me in the process of inventories; but I know it is mine. I can change what does not serve me the way I want to walk through the world. That is not the biggest trouble.

Finding ME is a long journey. I did not know it would take so much work. I was pretty sure I knew who I was when I began this recovery thing. I was SO wrong. I knew so little.

What I thought I knew was all erroneous. I had NO clue what I was really up to. In fact, it took me some time to deeply admit to my addiction(s). There are quite a few more than I would have liked to admit and own. Today, I am clearer; but I know there is probably more stuff here. I am the most honest person with Kelly that I have ever been.

However, I am sure there is more work. Why? Because I am still breathing and I have an ego the size of Ventura County. By the way, that monster is the source of all lies, all deceit, all of the dishonesty I have had to uncover, discover and discard. All of it! Screaming purple monkeys indeed!

So, I hope that what I am getting is the real truth of what I am seeing and what I am feeling. All I know is that it is so much closer than it ever was to being the real ME! And the funny part is, I love me more all the time. The real me, the authentic Kelly…she kind of rocks…and that is the best part of all!