HONESTY MONTH: DAY 15: “Nothing is so difficult as not deceiving oneself.” ― Ludwig Wittgenstein
None of us are particularly fond of seeing the truth about who we are and what we are up to. We like to tell ourselves great stories about our “intentions” and what we are “trying” to do in the world.
This is often driven by self-centered motives, of which we remain in complete denial. We tell ourselves that we are doing things for the benefit of others, while we are busy taking bows for what we are doing. In recovery, we talk about doing service and make sure we get lots of credit for all the things we are doing, blowing our own horns and waiting for applause.
When we get here, it is a challenge for us to see how we have been serving only our own ego and the fear it creates in most of what we do. We blame others for what has happened in our lives. Most new members write out a Shit List, rather than an Inventory with their first attempt at Step 4. Their list of grievances reads like a long novel of victimization and justification.
I did my first inventory in the 1980s. A popular symbol at that time was a “No Bozos” symbol; a picture of Bozo the Clown inside a red circle with a line through it. On the notebook I used for my steps, I wrote the same symbol, with the initials J.E.R.K. inside, instead of the clown picture. “No J.E.R.K.” meant: No justification, no explanation, no rationalization, no Kelly-isms.
This helped me remember that the goal is to get emotionally and mentally aware of who I had been for those years of active addiction and to move on to another way of walking in this world. I can honestly say that I still work with that idea when I am writing out my inventories.
I have been blessed with a sponsor and one or two friends who tell me the truth about who I am and what I am up to. I cannot afford the luxury of being a JERK. It will kill me.
And I do not want any rose-colored view of myself. If I am being an asshole, I am in dire need of that knowledge, based on the opinion of a trusted mentor. There are a lot of people who think they can tell me that, but I am okay with their opinions belonging to them. I probably do not subscribe.
So, we begin to see who we are and what we are up to. Without that particular form of clarity, we are doomed. If I am living with 1000 forms of fear, I’d better let go of some of that thinking right away. I cannot afford to be there. That is all ego and it will kill me.
I know, usually right away, when I am not being the best Kelly I can be. It is with me, and sits uncomfortably in my belly and heavy on my heart. And I can utilize the tools of writing and talking to a trusted person about it as soon as I become aware of what I need to clean up.
I have never balked at this. I am not in the mood for living like a loaded addict without the benefit of the drugs and alcohol. If I see the truth, I have to be willing to deal with it appropriately. That means there is a step and a spiritual principle to apply. I never have to go far from that premise.
The longer I am here, and the more I do these things, the easier it all is. And the faster I get to do it! I am very comfortable with that and love it more every day. Why? Because it really, really sucks to be living in self-will and riding the train off the tracks into total destruction of what is good and fine in my life. It is not a place I want to go any more. This stuff is just too damned good to leave behind!
Dolphin Hug 