HONESTY MONTH: DAY 14: “The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” Buddha
We are all given a sense of right and wrong, what some folks call a conscience. Even in the deepest depths of addiction, I always knew when I was violating my own.
It did not align with the “rules” I was given by others all the time. It was not the same as what my parents told me was right and wrong, nor did it match what I was taught in school and church, or by others in my life who told me what was right and wrong.
In fact, there was often a deep sense of knowing that these people, for the most part, were full of crap as they told me what to “do” versus what I saw and experienced them “doing.”
I spent many years confused about these things, until I was old enough to know that they were human and doing the best they could with what they had. Even though they frequently violated what felt right to me; I was able to move through my rage and resentment about this to a place of deep acceptance, once I got here and met you people. That was the process of Step 4 in my life, over and over again.
Each new situation that has come up for me in recovery has brought me back to this place. I am reminded, often 100 times, of a feeling of mistrust, doubt, anger, fear, etc. that originated in my early life and with which I get to address things as they come up today.
What I felt at 3 was horrible! I get to revisit that feeling as an adult (and beyond!) every time something brings those feelings into my current experience. This is what I have found in processing through these steps and recovery from my old ideas. At 3, I was unable to articulate those feelings. I just called them “bad” and did what I could to protect myself.
When other events came up and the feelings of “bad” returned, I had a plan. Sadly, what I came up with at 3 is inappropriate at 20 or 35 or 50…and so on.
So, I get to recognize these feelings in Step 4 and work to uncover those old ideas. For me, this is a continual process, not something that can be done only once or twice.
I get to see that what I believe about the situations is the problem. Not what others have done; but how I feel about it, based on what I believe about it; and how that drives how I respond to it.
That is so simple; and, yet, so hard to get to. It has taken many, many 4th steps for me to get to this simple recipe for healing. Because, you see, healing is always my goal.
I spent so many years pissed and bleeding emotionally all over everything; spitting at everyone who came close to my bleeding that I don’t want to live like that for even one moment of the rest of my life.
I am so happy without all that crap to keep letting others push me and pull me in every direction. It is not their job, nor is it their privilege.
I want ownership of myself back! I did not have it for a very long time. Now I can claim my time, my space, and all the feelings I walk through the world with. I can own my thinking and my ability to be resilient and see the beauty of life every day.
Why would I NOT want to live from my highest truth? Why would I NOT spend time in doing these things when they have given me all my dreams and then some? Yeah, I hear you, I don’t know either.
Dolphin Hug 