HONESTY MONTH: DAY 10:
“Keep your heart clear
And transparent,
And you will
Never be bound.
A single disturbed thought
Creates ten thousand distractions.” ― Ryokan
Step 4 will give me all I need to unburden myself from the lies, deceit, crazy antics, fears, remorse and shame of a lifetime of being dishonest. My old ideas will surface, if the step is done well and thoroughly. And, as the BB says, I will have “digested some big truths” about myself, my attitudes, and my behaviors. This is A LOT to deal with.
Once we have completed the inventory and Step 5, I want to stay on this road. It is not, at least for me, the easiest part of recovery. Why?
I am not able to identify, at least for many, many years, the dishonesty I use with myself. I want to feel that wonderful feeling I got with my first inventory and 5th; I felt like I could FLY! It was wonderful! And I felt the pressure of always looking over my shoulder come off for a time.
Freedom! These steps give me the kind of freedom I did not know others lived with. I stopped judging myself in so many ways. And I knew I could be accepted, because I began to test the fine people in the rooms with small pieces of my truth. And NONE of you ran screaming from the room! And none of you moved away from me in meetings. Okay. Maybe, just maybe, you weren’t lying to me all this time.
So, this kind of freedom has grown and grown. Today there is little for me to stay awake at 3:00 am worrying about. I feel clean, and transparent. There is little or nothing in my life that you cannot see or hear about.
I have no secrets today. That is new and different. I do not feel ashamed for being who I am and doing what I have done or going where I have been. While I am not proudly boasting many aspects of my life, I do own them fully. And I don’t hide them or lie about anything.
I am totally okay with those who don’t like me, along with those who do. I have no agendas. I get to be nothing more than Kelly.
I happen to really enjoy being Kelly most of the time. And when I don’t enjoy it, I get to look at what needs to be changed. Sometimes, most of the time, actually; it is my attitude. Okay. That always needs a bit of wrenching. And I have the tools, the right tools. And the practice of using them is what this writing is all about.
Isn’t that wonderful? I did NOT think so when I got here. I was damned determined to NEVER do this step. Or a couple of the others, by God! And here I am, 31 years later, loving the steps more than anything (even more than sex or cocaine! AMAZING!), and spending an hour or so each day writing about them.
Wow! Miracles do happen, and believe it or not, I am one of the biggest!
Dolphin Hug 