April 7

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 7: “I would rather be damned by my honesty, than caged by my lies.” ― Omega Maverick

I love this! Although it is a bit of a stretch for me to embrace it fully. When you think about this one deeply, it is saying that, literally; I would tell the truth to a judge or a cop, even if it meant that I would be condemned, imprisoned or killed.

I think about the lies that caged me. They were HUGE when I first got here. And I had to tell some scary truths to clean up all the wreckage. To the IRS, to a judge who held a lot of my life in his hands at the time, to people who I wanted respect from, many others.

Sometimes we lie to keep what we have or to get something we really want. Almost all dishonesty comes from fear of consequences or the fallout of revealing ourselves deeply to others.

Think about the lies you have told. Did they really serve? I have lied in relationships of all kinds. Not a single one of those relationships was important enough for me to invest MYSELF deeply. Wow! That is a sad statement to make. I truly believed some of those relationships were big parts of my life. And I did not even trust the other party enough to be honest. What the hell is that?

I have to present to you, myself; with all the crazy exposed, sometimes a bit at a time; so, we can begin to develop trust and respect. Without those two things, we are just hanging out. I don’t want those kinds of shallow, empty, dead-end relationships any more.

Like so much of my old life, I won’t invest myself in things that do not feed my spirit. Those old types of relationships are like that.

If you do not accept me as I am, why waste my time pretending to be someone else. I have already learned what I need to know to go and invest myself in what feeds my soul. Why bother with what doesn’t?

I am not sure if this is the aging process and my time of life or if I am recovering to the stage where it is not going to work if you judge me. What I DO know is that I am not going to be bothered. I will be cordial, but disinterested in anything beyond air kisses.

I must say that these kinds of social interactions do not now, nor have they ever, interested me in the least. I attend very few social functions. I am NOT a social creature. And I really, really hate air kisses.

Sometimes those kinds of relationships are necessary for the life we have going on. I minimize my interaction with those with whom I exchange air kisses.

I do deep and intimate relationships. By virtue of time, there are only a few very good friends in my life. That fits well for me. I invest in them. The rest are not really of interest to me. I will say hello and smile. But I am not engaged, nor do I wish to be.

Is this too honest? I don’t think so. Pretending to be more interested in people who do not feed my soul is one of the cages (of lies) I have learned not to step into. And that, again, is just my opinion.