April 6

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 6: “When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.” ― Shannon L. Alder

This sounds so simple, doesn’t it? And yet, it is a deep and abiding truth. However, there is a great deal of work, for me, to get to the point where I know what matters to me.

I was raised to be a people-pleaser. This was my indoctrination and training coming up. It kept me alive in a violent world at home. It kept me in sanctuary with those I knew in school and other social settings. And it kept me safe when I did not feel safe in all situations. What I never realized is that it doesn’t work, because I was bound to get resentful and angry. You always got what you wanted out of me, but I was giving things, like time and energy and attention, that I didn’t want to give.

As time went on, I began to fester inside. Filled with self-loathing and resentment at everyone else, the only relief I ever found was drugs and alcohol. But it stopped working, almost immediately after that first sense of relief. So, now I am stuck in that dynamic for a very long time.

And I kept trying to make others happy so I could find a place in the world where I fit. But now the violence and abuse were perpetrated by ME. Wow…that sucks! And one day I met you folks.

And you invited me back! No matter how insincerely it might have been, that invitation was so welcoming that I heard it and (kind of) believed you. I laid some of my worst stories at your feet. And you kept inviting me back. Probably not so much, because we say that all the time. But I took it personally, aren’t we incredibly self-centered around here? And back I came. I don’t know why. I was so hungry for acceptance and love. I felt something like that here.

And I began to understand what I didn’t want any longer. It was pretty much a process of elimination. I didn’t want to run from drug dealers or exes or the law. Okay. That meant I had to clean up things with those folks. That took some time.

Then I realized I didn’t want to steal from others, but to feel better about myself. I am a hard worker, with a good, strong work ethic. When I am not fighting for survival, I am left with great energy to LIVE life instead. Who knew?

And I began to eliminate things that didn’t feel good. If I couldn’t do something with a smile, I stopped doing it. The people-pleasing started to become less invasive in my life. It became okay for you to NOT like me on occasion. Okay. That didn’t kill me.

And I began to form boundaries around what was acceptable and not acceptable in relationships with other people. Some great stuff came to the table here! The kinds of people who had been part of my life all showed up to be my teachers. I got to live with some tough abuse and sexual stuff until I became very clear about how those things did not fit my life any longer.

As these things appeared, I got to go deeper and deeper into the work of recovery. Again, the process of elimination made some choices feel really hard. What I was willing to trade for that false sense of security we call MONEY became a real issue for me. And I got to go deeply into that battle for quite a long time.

So, this beautiful idea of communicating what does and does not work for me in every situation has taken a long and twisting road to come to the place where my tolerance for those things that used to be a constant in my life is very short. I will tell you once, maybe twice, when something doesn’t work. Then I will walk away. No conversation, it seems that you didn’t listen the first or second time. So, I just walk away. No reason to beat anyone up with these things. I have made a boundary.

And my boundaries may not work for everyone. But they DO work for me. I don’t run away like I once did. I walk. And you may have opportunity to interact with me, but it will never be in any kind of way, other than casual. We can do the “Hi. How are you?” social BS, but you are not part of my life in a significant way any longer. No big deal, except for me.

I am free and I am safe and I have that power today. To stay out of fear and regret and resentment. I am NOT here to make YOU happy, I am here to BE happy. And I am. And I am. And I am.