HONESTY MONTH: DAY 5: “I think honesty is the most heroic quality one can aspire to.” ― Daniel Radcliffe
Telling the truth can be challenging. When confronted with other’s probing questions, I will tell them the truth, if I decide I need to do so.
Other times, I am equally comfortable (finally!) with letting them know that is not something I care to discuss at this time. This is the least objectionable way I have found (so far) when conveying to another that it is none of their damned business. I have had various responses to nosiness over the years, including lying outright.
There are people in my life with whom I do not discuss many topics. So, I have to find ways of not discussing them that are not so blunt, since my default settings can be a bit abrupt. I don’t really care, honesty, if I am rude; since I find some personal questions are equally, if not more so, rude.
I started out on the spectrum of being such a people pleaser I did not know how to tell people NO in any sense. That meant I answered, usually truthfully, invasive and rude questions quite often. I no longer do that, but I need to not go all passive-aggressive on people either.
This is the balance we find in recovery. Learning how to be polite to rude people; which I still am not very good at. But I do not want to make amends EVER again for being rude back. It just doesn’t feel right or good to me.
And there are times when you really WANT to lie. To a cop, especially when they ask a stupid question like “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Well, I drive really fast, but don’t want to say that…anyway, you know what I mean.
And certain people are kind of scary to talk with anyway. At least for me. I want to appear to know or be or have more going on than I often really do. You know, like prospective employers, new romantic interests, etc. Do I really have to tell the whole truth?
So, these things have presented challenges for me since day 1 in this deal. What do I say to the judge? That was a huge quandary.
How do I answer the employer-to-be when they ask really leading questions? Some things require tact and diplomacy. This, again, challenges me. I really hate those panel interviews for places where my past is NOT a great asset. I have to play up the assets I have and hope they avoid digging too far into other areas of my life.
So far, I have not had to outright lie to people, but I have had to do some creative dancing around of certain subjects. I am okay with that. Some things need to be left for a future conversation. I have learned to say, “Let me get back to you on that.” This is good when people want to pin me down to things I am not comfortable either committing to or speaking of at the time.
And I have learned to deliver my opinions, but only when asked for one, with tact and diplomacy. I only give them when asked. I still promote the motto “Don’t ask, don’t tell” for dealing with opinions. I ONLY want to give them when I am asked.
And I only want to receive them when I have asked for them. I am very good at saying “I don’t remember asking” when others want to give their opinions to me. And we all know that it is not something we want anyway.
I consider this to be the golden key to relationships. Families especially feel that they are required or allowed to give free advice and opinions. They are NOT! It is mean and demeaning to everyone involved. So, I have learned to hold my hand over my mouth a great deal. I DON’T know what anyone is supposed to do, be, wear, hear, see, or any of it. Best if I keep my opinions in my mouth. This isn’t truth, it is just another way of making you feel small.
If you ask, I will answer you honestly. That much, I owe you. That much, I will be courageous enough to tell you the truth about. Be careful what you ask for!
Dolphin Hug 