April 2

HONESTY MONTH: DAY 2: “Whenever you are about to find fault with someone, ask yourself the following question: What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize?”― Marcus Aurelius

Inventories are a constant process for me. When I find someone particularly difficult to deal with, I ask myself this question; and find out what I am really up to.

An ongoing look at what mirrors are brought into my life is not fun. I don’t like it. I do not want to believe I am any of those most irritating things I see in others. I would really rather talk crap about them and believe I am pure and lily-white as the driven snow. As I wrote that last sentence, I was laughing so hard I could barely type!

Yeah, that’s the truth. I have even spent some time trying to pawn off my character defects as being a good thing! Hahahaha!

If I am having difficulty with other people, I ALWAYS have a part in the equation. I am quite used to the idea that I am prickly and hard to please. Duh! So, when there is THAT going on, others may not like to work with me or be around my demanding standards. Okay.

This has become much better over the years, but I am tough. I know this because I demand so much from myself. There is no way I will not demand it from others. I am often quite saddened by the low standards others set for their lives. Kind of a judgmental old thing, aren’t I???

Yes! And it is because I want to take bows and receive kudos for the work that I do, having others recognize the depth of dedication I have to self-improvement. Ugh! Even that is completely arrogant and self-serving. My motives suck!

So, I have to gentle my mind and remember that there is no pushing the river. An old friend used to tell me to leave Kelly the hell alone, that she was fine and did not need to be whipped or beaten into line. I remember how loving that sounded at the time. I can still hear his voice and go to that place when I am feeling discouraged and disappointed in myself for failing another of my lofty goals.

And I let go and let it be the way it IS, not the way I would like it to be. This is a continuous process of being humbled and grateful and accepting and REAL.

I always want to remain transparent and authentic in this process. If there is nothing else I can teach others, it is to be REAL. I share this a lot. I am NOT here to get good or get well, but I am here to work really hard to be AUTHENTIC and REAL.

That is the process of recovery I look for and at. I am not RECOVERED…far from it. I am a recovering human, full of shit and flaws and character defects on any given day. For that, I am grateful, because you have taught me exactly which steps I can take to help alleviate these conditions in order to better serve others as Power would have me do.

Hooray for these things, these amazing tools. And Hooray that they never get rusty from misuse or neglect. At least not while I am still breathing! Hahahahha!