FAITH MONTH: DAY 25: “Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He can deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, and pour out peace.” ― Ezra Taft Benson
This is a perfect quote for 12-step recovery. If I had known what would make my heart sing when I got here, or at any point in time since then, I would NEVER have believed it!
I had simple (and totally self-serving) ideas about what would be my ideal life. They were SO short-sighted and wrong…just wrong! I have had several dozens of lives since I got here. And all of them have been so amazing! Every time I begin to write these pieces this month, my heart is so full I want to sing and cry…at the same time…would sound awful, but I still want to do it.
There is just SO much that I cannot even begin to paint the picture, because is lives in a place you cannot see. And we all have varying ideas of happiness and joy.
None of the worldly rewards I wanted when I got here brought me anything like the joy I receive when my heart is full. It does not compare. Even a new pair of really cute shoes doesn’t do it; although there is some hope, somewhere that it might, this time. Hahaha!
I remember one time at about 14 or 15 years of recovery when I looked around at the setting and the relationship and the work of my life and feeling that I had finally arrived at the desired state I wanted to live in for the duration. Well, it was. And then it went away. Not all of it, but the biggest piece of what made it work.
So, I began to allow the shift I didn’t want to take place, and the unfolding went into a totally different, and, to me, better direction. There was something that was missing that I deeply loved, and then it came along as well. Two bigger pieces were placed into my life and I thought I knew what to do with that shift, so I did the footwork and the process evolved.
All of that morphed into a big life change, so I jumped on board and thought I knew how it would play out. WRONG!!! It became a crazy series of shifts that brought me to a place I hated! I mean, really, really hated.
And I felt that I was a failure, that I was wrong, that I had done things that were wrong; it was horrible for a while. I was deeply unhappy and sad and ashamed, for reasons I am not totally clear about. All of my ideas about who I was and how my life should look were smashed and I was not a happy camper.
Today I am still in that same state, but my being has shifted. Nothing has really changed, but I have a different story about it.
See, all my life, my story was so ugly that I did everything I could to cover it up and make it go away. All of that shame was clinging to me and the story; and I could never get away from the shame and the rage. Until, I gave this whole ball of shit that was my life to this Power you introduced me to.
And the shift did not happen with the life, but I began to see that the story was more than I believed it to be. And I began to view it from a new perspective. And you taught me that my perception of my life was the problem, not my story.
Oh! And then I let the Power give me a new set of circumstances, expecting all shiny and new things. That is not what happened. What happened was, I began to see the purpose for these things that were funky and sometimes difficult to navigate without drugs and alcohol. Oh!
And today I give all credit to the Power that KNOWS what my journey is and leads me along the path, one step at a time and puts a hand (sometimes not so gently) on my head when I want to race ahead of where my feet belong. And I have quit questioning and trying to second-guess what comes next and have learned to live in the moment with what IS, right here, right now. This is good stuff!
Dolphin Hug 