March 23

FAITH MONTH: DAY 23: “Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions… [My dark side says,] I am no good… I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.” ― Henri J.M. Nouwen

There is great truth here. The trouble, as I have experienced it, is self-absorption. We think, too often, of US, too much. Whether I am berating myself by listening to the crazy voices of the SPM, or whether I am sitting and contemplating what a great person I am, Bill W. hit the nail on the head when he wrote that all of trouble, all of our character defects stem from selfishness and self-centeredness.

I agree. Whether I engage in beating myself up or praising myself, it is the same trouble. When I focus on what is great about my life and recognize that NONE of the credit belongs to me, I develop faith. When I can spend time each day writing about the beauty of the world around me and thanking the Universal Power for those gifts, I am going to begin to believe that the Power is benevolent and kind, no matter what the hell goes on in my mind.

This is a huge distinction. I remember, as a new member, trying to separate my good thoughts from my bad thoughts. I believed, and this is powerful, that good self-worth and self-esteem would come from ME…hahahahahaha…I cannot EVER create a strong sense of self. This is therapeutic psycho-babble that is not possible for us, as I see it.

The oldtimers tell us to get out and do service for others as a way of giving back the grace we receive around here. That is why. I cannot feel good or take credit for my recovery…that is just more ego…SPM will tell me I am ALL THAT…and then I am screwed.

I must recognize the grace of EVERYTHING good and fine in my life. I cannot take credit for ANY of it…it came from Power via the people I have met since I got here. I started looking for spiritual answers, I have read thousands of wonderful books, and ALL of THAT informed me that there is nothing I can do to deserve, merit, earn, or be worthy of this gift.

And I DO NOT HAVE TO BE! I just need to say thank you every day and give to others in the spirit of unconditional kind regard. I do not take hostages, I let everyone live their lives and do what they want, and I continue to pour out the gifts I receive. And I get the hell out of my own and the Universe’s way so more can flow in. That is all.

This shit can drive alcoholics and addicts crazy!!! We think we can create these things, and we CANNOT!

So, this quote, although interesting is quite far off the mark for me. I use it to show another aspect of our total and complete self-centeredness. We cannot afford to focus on ME…whether it is to beat us up or to shine our little star on us. Either way, we are doomed.

I love that! It has been quite complex and convoluted for me for many years. Now it is so simple, even I can understand it! Hooray! These steps have taken me by the nape of the neck and shaken the shit right outta my head. Some wisdom lands in the heart and here we are! Hooray! I just keep getting happier and happier.