FAITH MONTH: DAY 18: “Believe something and the Universe is on its way to being changed. Because you’ve changed, by believing. Once you’ve changed, other things start to follow. Isn’t that the way it works?” ― Diane Duane
The most astonishing thing in the world occurred in my life 31 years ago, today. It was not planned. I did not come to the realization that I needed to stop drinking and using drugs (What a terrible idea!) and get into a recovery house, especially one named Lost Heads Ranch.
And I came to on the 18th, wondering what the hell I had gotten into. I really was confused and sick as hell. But mostly, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. People were hugging me (why???) and welcoming me and smiling…all newcomers, (today I am even more amazed!) Then they held hands and said a prayer together. I just KNEW we were going to sit down and pass around the Kool-Aid…this WAS in 1986, only a few years after Jonestown, so this cult I had landed in was going to do a mass suicide. That explained it all!
None of that happened. I met some significant people in that first day…people who changed my life forever. The early days are the most impactful, because those people say and do things that are going to change the story completely.
I did not believe I would stay in recovery. It was not my plan for quite a while. We used to sit up on the hill and plan how we would all go out on pass and get high. But something began to happen. That is why I have worked in recovery and treatment ever since.
It was that I was in a safe environment for those first months. No one who worked there really said or taught me anything that was life-altering. They just loved me. I remember that when I am working with another knucklehead like myself. Love is what heals us.
So, I began to believe in something at some point around 45 or 50 days, because this evidence kept piling up. I began to open myself to a process of love and acceptance I could not believe was allowing me to become a part of. I really was shocked when you not only allowed me to be in your meetings, but welcomed me and invited me back! Yikes!
And the Universe has changed completely since that day. There is a ripple effect I cannot explain and a strong sense of synchronistic unfolding that I try to convey but that is nothing short of miraculous and feels wonderful to experience.
That is what this quote says to me. I did not come here to do this thing. It grabbed me by the hair and pulled me along, despite my thoughts about it. And as I was dragged along, I began to shift my beliefs. My beliefs became a certainty that I wanted this thing.
And I will not say I wanted what you had. I did not, and still do not, always believe you have it. I wanted my own. I was lit up from the inside and my life has been well-lit ever since. I do not have what you have. I have mine! And I will not relinquish it for anything.
I do not compare what you and I have. I know my path is different. It always has been. I am sad when a member tries to tell me I need to do this or that, go to more meetings, do it their way, whatever that may be. It is not my journey. It is yours. I am not here to walk your journey. I am here to walk mine. What a tremendous gift of freedom this wisdom is.
My journey is beautiful. You cannot have it, but you can have my permission to get your own. Do not want what I have. Want what you can have, the freedom, love and joy of living that is here for you. I did the footwork and the legwork and the arm work and the ab work…I have earned my seat, not by getting loaded and coming here, but by doing that work that has allowed me to sit wherever the hell I want! I love this shit!
Dolphin Hug 