March 16

FAITH MONTH: DAY 16: “If we can just let go and trust that things will work out the way they’re supposed to, without trying to control the outcome, then we can begin to enjoy the moment more fully. The joy of the freedom it brings becomes more pleasurable than the experience itself.” ― Goldie Hawn

I never know which quotes are going to resonate with me when I gather my monthly pages for this writing. I don’t think I have ever used this quote, but something grabbed me.

That it is true and a good challenge for addicts to accept is one reason for using it. Today I am in love with the mindfulness practice I have developed in the last 30 (almost 31!!) years. As I was working in my garden yesterday, I found a 4-leafed clover. I have found lots of them over the years. (Ask any of my friends who are deeply embarrassed when we are out walking somewhere and I suddenly sit in the grass to look in a patch of clover!)

I also have a lot of shamrocks that are planted in the same area where the clover is growing. These shamrocks have a great story. When I got to detox in 1986 (on St. Patrick’s Day for those of you who do not know this), there had been a monthly luncheon from a group of ladies from Palm Desert who would come and do a panel. They had left a small shamrock plant and because I got there on St. Patricks’ Day and my name is Patricia Kelleen Mary Margaret McClanahan, the other ladies gave me the shamrock.

That shamrock has been with me in moving from one place to another (I have moved 21 times since then), and gets planted (or not), according to the place I am living. It has been a houseplant, a huge area of several gardens outside, a porch plant in a container, many things. But it is still with me, no matter how big it gets!

So, the story is this: gardening is where I first learned to practice mindfulness, in 1986. I would sit outside and pull weeds and breathe into my heart as I did this. It kept me from wanting to crawl out of the top of my head in the early days. My love of gardening has never left me. There is a relationship with faith that I have never lost in the garden.

I dig in the dirt and mindfully place a seed, sometimes two. Some seeds are so tiny that I have to be very careful, because they may still produce too many plants. Then I cover the seed and let it do what it is going to do. There is nothing I can do to create outcomes here, except water and care for the seedling that sprouts up.

And the miracle is ON! The seeds sprout (or not, depending on their nature), and food or beautiful flowers arrive! This kind of faith is the greatest I could practice for many years. I put the seeds in and do the work that is required of me to care for them. I cannot MAKE them sprout, nor can I MAKE them grow. I can only do this one seed at a time.

For those of you who have seen my gardens, it is miraculous how well this works. And so, I have learned to do recovery and life like this. One seed at a time.

I take care of my health and my body and my mind. I do the things that have been suggested to me around here and find the ones that feed my spirit instead of my ego.

Then I continue to do them. I give away whatever I can. It may be money sometimes, it may be resources at others, it may be a hug, a wave, an encouraging word or the thing that helped me when I was stuck in a space that felt like I was choking to death.

I never know which seeds will sprout and grow. I do what I do with each one and leave the results up to Nature and Power to do with as they will. My job is my job. I find this is a great mindfulness practice and a great way to talk about faith.

The very last analogy I will make about my gardens is this: Currently, I have 8 feral cats who live in my yard. Their numbers vary, according to the will of the cat God. They find my gardens to be the best playground and litter box imaginable. I am constantly working to keep them from going potty, digging, and taking long catnaps in the garden beds. They love to lay down on top of my baby seedlings, so it is a great battle we have.

I want to liken this to what I must do to keep the SPM out of my life today. When they begin to scream their insanity, and throw their shit at me, I have to remember to work with the nature of the SPM and not let them in, nor allow them to lie to me and believe it. The same kind of discipline that I must use to keep the cats out of the gardens is required with Screaming Purple Monkeys in my head. Not today, baby!