FAITH MONTH: DAY 12: “When God is going to do something wonderful, He or She always starts with a hardship; when God is going to do something amazing, He or She starts with an impossibility.” ― Anne Lamott
Truth. We get here in the midst of a bottom. Any of us who stay are liable to hit some bottoms without drugs and alcohol during the course of recovery.
Why? Because ego takes over again. As soon as we tell ourselves that drugs and alcohol are the problem, we can see that WE have been able to stay away from them. This is delusional, but more common than not, I’m sad to say.
Then the ego takes on a new power and authority in our lives. We walk into meetings and other gatherings of recovering people with the “I’ve Got This” attitude. We tell others how it works, what we are doing, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseam.
This is, if we don’t get loaded, called a dry run, a dry drunk, whatever. It is NOT called recovery or sobriety or anything related to it. What happens next is that we may, if we are truly willing, experience another surrender. We GET surrendered by our disease, over and over, in this process. Every time I get a teeny tiny bit complacent or comfortable, I am in danger of getting my ass surrendered by this thing.
I can feel it coming on these days. This took a while for me. I get this feeling of discomfort and agitation and some petty thing causes anger and it turns into resentment, you know the symptoms. Pretty soon I am whining, cranky, irritable…oh yeah!
And old attitudes are likely to turn into old behaviors. Then I am screwed! I am holding onto something that needs to be let go of, or I will follow the thing down into the gutter again. All without a drug or a drink.
There are some horrific bottoms around here…way worse than what brought me into the place to begin with. I have watched it. I refuse to accept what life is bringing to the table and I begin to believe the SPM and then I am off and running. Yikes!
So, that preface will bring about a new set of surrender for me. And it is a good thing! Sometimes way deeper and better than ever before. The chink in the solid foundation is repaired stronger than it was before.
It has always been impossible for me to surrender. I get thrown down, stomped on, bruised and battered before I get surrendered to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I need help. Oh! And that I need it from you and you and you and you, who bring me some concept of Power that I could not grasp before. Some concept that there is more for me to know and do and be than what I was knowing, doing and being the day before.
And the most wonderful thing that is going to happen is that my ego is going to die and we get a check in the win column of life…it is truly impossible, and always wonderful to behold!
Dolphin Hug 