March 8

FAITH MONTH: DAY 8: “Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking.” ― Kahlil Gibran

I proved this one in the first 90 days of recovery. I was trying so hard to develop faith and be a good (according to the religious dogma I had learned as a child!) “Christian” woman. It was HELL!

I kept trying to think myself into recovery and belief that there was something that would care for me and my life; long before I could ever take the leap and make the decision. It was crazy-making. I am so grateful for the woman who sat on me while I was detoxing and talked to me about her early recovery and her concept of a loving God. When she died a few weeks later, I was told to attend her funeral services by my counselor, so I did. It was very good for me, because her minister who had known her for many years talked about how her concept of God had improved his belief and faith as well. She had told me to borrow her God, so that is who I negotiated with in those early years.

And I have done battle with this for a long time. I found a relationship with an entity that was Creator and began to use this conception of Power greater than myself for the years since that time. I seldom use the word God unless I am reading the steps or talking to someone who is struggling with this as well. I don’t like the connotations the word brings up for me. It is easier to use other words.

Creator is my favorite, because it fits with ancient traditions that I study and work well with. I also love the idea of the Creator who brought dolphins and hummingbirds into existence, along with the creative spirit I was born to exhibit and have enjoyed for most of my life. I have been a seamstress, artist, writer, poet, teacher, decorator, inventor, calligrapher, crazy quilter, needlepoint and embroiderer, designer, and gardener for years. I get the idea of co-creating.

When I am in the flow of this kind of energy, I channel a great deal of it from the Universe. I also feel this when I practice Reiki, teach yoga classes, work with others as a therapist, counselor, friend or sponsor. We are always talking about spiritual principles, I write about them, we walk with them, and it is all part of co-creating energy with the Power that created this amazing marble we are spinning on.

I can turn my life and my will over to this Power with no problem. What thinking gets me is the dynamic of judgment and shame and remorse and anger that I came into this deal with. So, I quit doing that…as much as possible, I mean thinking, of course! Not my friend…home of the Screaming Purple Monkeys…SPM…ugh!

And I love the image of an oasis…my favorite scene in the movie “The Little Prince” is he and the pilot playing and laughing in the pool when they find the oasis. What a great visual! It CAN and DOES live in my heart! Yay! That is where the seed of faith was planted before I got here…by my Creator…and I touched it tenderly in years before drugs and alcohol kicked in.

Then things that happened stole the key to that special place and I did not think it was there any more. I just kept doing those things until they threw me on the ground and kicked my ass and I could not do another drink or drug.

Then you guys showed me these steps and I was terrified of the judgment of the God I was given to grow up with. I HATED THAT GUY! Mean, nasty dude! And today he is gone, there is no punishment, only peace and joy and love and dolphins and hummingbirds. YAY!!!!

So, again, I must let go of the punishing SPM and my thinking about what that Power is or is not and let my heart heal my life, all of it…long after the drugs and alcohol are gone, I must work to open me back up to that feeling I get when the dolphins and hummingbirds show me the face of my Creator. I LOVE THIS!!!!