February 9

HOPE MONTH: DAY 9: “It’s the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee.” ― Nicholas Sparks

It was not apparent to me, until long into recovery, that I was so creative by nature. I believe this is true for all humans, but maybe to a greater degree for addicts.

Why? I believe it, because I see, throughout history, the troubled creatives who have walked this planet. Those who could not “fit” into the molds social environments expect of us.

I am not familiar with too many “regular” people, because their lives are seldom celebrated in books and music like the lives of the creatives. So, what I experience, what I see, is that creative souls cannot fit into the molds of social standards.

All addicts have some form of relating to these criteria, so far as I can see. We are the outcasts, the weirdos, the ones who form the minority; although I question that truth as well. We are the dreamers, the musicians, the writers, the actors and actresses who cannot sit still learning geometry or biology, because our souls long for the symphony or the museum to gaze at a painting.

We cannot fit into the classroom or the church, because the rules are too rigid and we are dying to break out of those confining spaces and agendas.

Our hope is to soar above the crowd, to express our hungry hearts and souls in some way that we cannot touch until we find the connection that feeds us this inspiration. In other words, the bottles and the dope and the food and the cigarettes and the sex and all other forms of escape give us peace when we are inwardly screaming for “possibility” inside.

We know we are here to create something, but it goes unsupported by our culture, by the forced education that channels our young minds and tells us it is more important to learn our ABCs than to sing an aria. Who says? The same culture that wants to rubber-stamp us into the same mold they were rubber-stamped into. The cookie cutter version of who they need us to be to manage us more comfortably for whatever they believe we are here to do.

Parents choose careers and educational paths for their children and wonder why teen suicide is so prevalent. We are told how to be intellectually, driven to succeed in their ideas of sports and the arts and sexual identity. How to maintain our bodies and minds and apparel. These are deadening of our spirits, of the “possibility” we know exists.

Is it any wonder that, in our culture, people break free of these demands at midlife and experience a “crisis” to run and do those things that have been inside them crying to get out? That we honor and revere those who are strong enough to fight the social norms and fly outside the parameters of what is “accepted”; although at first they are shunned and shamed for their “differences”.

I see these things and know this is the story of my spirit. That I was programmed to do and be one thing, but could never navigate the parameters that were set for me. That I rebelled against that programming and questioned (LOUDLY) the ideas that were pummeled into my brain. And then I did a ton of drugs and drank and starved myself, etc., etc., etc.

For me, it is this journey into self that the steps have given me. My hope has been to free my spirit, to recognize the longings of my soul for a spiritual place to sit and commune with the gifts my Creator gave me to express those stirrings and to work in conjunction with that Power to create.

It is in our nature to create. We must use that creative energy in ways that uplift us and join us with the energy of ALL creation. That is the point.

Most of us recognize this in small ways the minute we stop deadening our spirits with too much food and drink and drugs and running around, trying to find the thing that we believe is missing. What is truly missing is the thing that is inside us to create. Ah-hah! An inside job, indeed. But we must, as Chuck C. says, “Uncover, discover, and discard” those things that cover it all up! What was once hope is now certainty and deep faith, at least for me!