ACCEPTANCE MONTH: DAY 30: “I don’t need anyone else to distract me from myself anymore, like I always thought I would.” ― Charlotte Eriksson
This quote speaks to several aspects of relationship with others and how we can work to be more accepting of self and others.
The first is that we tend to focus our attention on others’ behavior as a means of distracting US about what we are up to. If I see your bad behaviors and character defects, I can stop working on mine. This is such a strong spiritual concept.
We are angry at others; and their behaviors keep us awake at night, plotting and planning ways to either get even or avoid them altogether. Many relationships are permanently broken behind the idea that we are here to keep track of THEM. That we are supposed to give them a litany of all the ways they need to change to suit us more comfortably. That they need to do x, y, or z to remain in good standing with US. It is a full-time job that no one ever asked us to perform, much less pay us to perform.
Oh! So, our full attention to their defects is not our job? What??? This is huge news to many folks. I had a client in one of my groups look at me with horror and say: “But I am a mother. That is my job!” And we had a nice discussion about how it IS NOT her job, or anyone’s, for that matter.
If your behavior is upsetting me, I am being shown something important about myself. The things you are doing are either behavior I need to own in myself OR it is behavior that is no longer acceptable to me. If the former is true, I can honestly say thank you to that person and mean it. I have set an intention to heal and this is the way I see what my behavior looks like.
Now I must stop doing this myself. It has nothing to do with you. I am not here to heal YOU. I am here to heal ME. So, I see a behavior that is upsetting. I cannot do that behavior.
If my sponsor assures me that it is not a behavior I am participating in, I examine why it is upsetting to me. Okay. Perhaps I need to see where I have expectations that are causing resentment. Oh! Okay. Do I expect that no one will ever upset me? That is a guarantee that I am going to receive a great number of resentments. Is that YOUR fault? Hell NO!
Now I can decide how to proceed. I highly recommend working with someone who is past this part of the steps several times over, like a seasoned veteran of recovery.
Okay. Now on to the other kinds of distraction we seek from others. This, too, is a way we stay away from looking at our own behaviors and the work we need to do in recovery. These are the personal relationships with family, friends, spouses, lovers, co-workers, etc.
We use them and their lives to remain distant from our own. We stay very, very “busy”; running here and there, being social and doing all we can to stay away from the discomfort we are feeling. Many people run to great numbers of meetings, believing that is where recovery happens.
Recovery is not in meetings. Recovery is a one-on-one experience with me and my sponsor. But, first, I must be attentive to what is happening with ME. I cannot do that in meetings. Meetings, in my experience and recovery, are where I talk about the things that have given me challenges in recovery and the solutions that have taken place.
I am not there to dump problems on the table and get relief or solutions from a roomful of people. That will make me crazy fast. That is the work done with a sponsor and maybe a small handful of trusted friends and mentors.
So, I must stop using others to entertain and distract me. Meetings are great for meeting other members of the Fellowship. When I hear your solutions, I am inspired and lightened-up from focusing on my own. That helps. But, I must always focus on what needs to be done in my recovery that is the source of discomfort I am attempting to avoid. That means a lot of writing and step work, for me.
As I accept that this is MY job, not yours, not my sponsors’ or anyone else’s, I am freed from a great deal of running around in frantic search for a fix. That is the good news about acceptance. It makes everything easy and simple to do.
Dolphin Hug 